Our Story: BEFORE

For most of my life, I've been living in the wilderness of  "just barely enough."

I have so, so much to be thankful for and I know we have so much more than some. But I also know this isn't how our Father God wants us to live — barely getting by, always behind.

But we have so much to be thankful for. I see the things other people are going through and I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world. But are we experiencing the abundant life Jesus' sacrifice provided?

I want to have all of our needs met, abundantly supplied, so that we can give into every good work. We are givers and its painful when we see a need and we can't give.

This Christmas is supposed to be — is going to be — Lord, I believe, help my unbelief — different! Abundant! In every way.

We've found peace and joy in little to nothing, can we still have peace and joy in plenteous abundance?

The last two years have been especially pressured. Transition. In the midst, God has miraculously come through over and over. But its time to walk into the spacious place — to live in God's abundant provision. Twenty years ago, Dick Mills prophesied Psalm 66:12 to us:

You let men ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.

This is our BEFORE...the AFTER is coming, I know it. So I'm sharing the before while it's now, authentic, and true.

We've had beautiful, sweet glimpses and I'm so grateful.

After the pause, after the quiet pondering, "Have I said too much? Have I said too little? Do I sound ungrateful, grumbling and complaining?" After He speaks, "Peace. Be Still," I'm not looking for answers, I'm just looking for Him. I've seen His star in the East and I've come to worship Him.

Not a Reason to Homeschool: Don't Let Fear Be Your Motivator

I began my homeschooling journey when a dear family friend introduced us to Sonlight Curriculum.  As I read the catalog from cover-to-cover, one of my favorite articles was entitled "27 Reasons Not to Buy Sonlight." I appreciated their candor, and honestly, almost every one of their reasons not to buy made me want to buy it even more! However, in light of the tragedy in Connecticut, I want to highlight something I believe is not a reason to choose homeschooling.

Fear.

I do believe that fear is a God-given mechanism of protection, don't get me wrong. But I'm talking about the kind of fear that becomes bondage, that holds you in its grip until you're afraid to leave your home, afraid to let your children leave home.

Homeschooling should not be a knee-jerk reaction to violence in schools. It should be a deliberate, prayerful choice.

I firmly believe some families are called to be a light in the public schools, some are called to give and receive light in private schools, and some are called to homeschool, growing deeper in their knowledge of the light and shining it in different ways than the traditionally schooled. (And, sometimes the calling can be different per child in the same family!)

I am so grateful I was able to homeschool my kids.* Did I do it perfectly?

No.

Did I sometimes feel like a complete failure who was doing my kids a grave disservice?

Absolutely.

Did I love every moment of every day with "math meltdown" and what seemed like a total lack of motivation?

Not so much.

But.

Did I celebrate the disappearance of "monster mom" who lost it almost daily trying to get kids out of the door to school on time?

Yes!

Did I cherish every moment snuggled on the couch reading, every obvious learning moment, and every moment spent discussing life and love?

Absolutely!

(Did I cry so much at the end of every novel of historical fiction I read aloud to the point that I could barely finish the book?

Yep. Ask my kids, they still give me a hard time about it occasionally!)

Am I grateful for all the unhurried, stressful, goofy, grumpy, joyful, sad, delightful, frustrating moments of our homeschooling days?

So very grateful.

Now that they're grown, I can look back so glad that I persevered. I couldn't have done it without the strength, grace, and wisdom of my Heavenly Father, not just because it was crazy and frustrating at times, but mostly because of my own doubts.

Wherever God has called you and your kids to be, rest in Him. Rest in His strength, grace, and wisdom to see you through it all — the great days and the not-so-great days.

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows."

Luke 12:6-7 ESV 

You who sit down in the High God’s presence,
    spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow,
Say this: “God, you’re my refuge.
    I trust in you and I’m safe!”

Psalm 91:1 The Message 

 

*Full disclosure (in case someone who doesn't know me personally reads this): My oldest son had a wonderful experience in public school for first grade, then all three of my kids attended a private Christian school until the year we decided to start homeschooling (3rd, 4th, and 7th grade).

Our Amazingness

Occasionally a friend or family member will tell me they're amazed by me.

How can that be so?

I'm never enough. I never do enough, or say the right things.

But...

I'm learning to believe. They're not lying to me anymore than I am lying to them when I tell them how amazing and special they are.

We all tend to take our gifts for granted.

Well, no more. Join me?

God is my Father and He put some amazing gifts in me. And, He is amazing and He is in me!

And He is in you, too. Believe in your amazingness.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Reading Fast

No, I’m not learning to speed read. I like books and reading too much for that. I’m going to take a break from reading for a while. Certainly not because reading is a bad habit I need to let go of -- reading is a very good habit. Writers are readers. However, I used that as an excuse for far too long. I am an information-gatherer. In fact, I would say my compulsion borders on gluttony.  I take in a LOT in and don’t let enough out. 

I WANT to write. I feel the drive and the desire. But then I read more blogs about how to do it. I read more books to give me things to think about so I can write about them. I’ve read Pressfield’s The War of Art, I know what I’m experiencing is that enemy of all creatives -- Resistance.

Do I just write, edit, and hit publish? Or do I polish each word, each sentence, and each paragraph until it blinds you with its dazzling brilliance? Is my post too long? Is it too short? Is it easily scannable? Do I need more or less bullet points or one or two more items in my list?

If I just read a few more posts by my favorite bloggers maybe I’ll finally get it. Maybe I’ll discover my style of blogging.

On someone else’s blog?

If my true desire is to be authentic and real with everything I write and publish, how can I accomplish that by using someone else’s blogging voice?

So. I’m putting an end to it for a while. For 40 days, instead of reading, I’m going to write.*

For now, I’m not going to worry if I’m just writing for myself or if I’m building my Tribe. I’m just going to exercise the writing muscle and see what happens. I’m going to trust the Holy Spirit to begin focusing and leading my writing into something that someone will relate to and be comforted, encouraged, or challenged.

I’m not sure how much of what I write the next 40 days is going to end up here…but here goes nothin' (or is it just the beginning of something?)!

*With two small exceptions: Fiction reading for fun and daily scripture reading.

I've Been Wrecked

Review of Wrecked: When a Broken World Slams into Your Comfortable Life by Jeff Goins

 

Jeff is one of my favorite bloggers. His posts on writing and life are always encouraging and challenging – the perfect combination in my book. So I couldn’t wait to read his first trade book, Wrecked.

Being “wrecked” can look slightly different for each person, but Jeff says,

“To be wrecked is to be disabused of the status quo.

“It means to have a transformation that goes beyond mere words—to be introduced to another way of life, to follow in the footsteps of a teacher who is calling you through the eye of a needle….The process is horrible and ugly and completely gut-wrenching—and at the same time, beautiful” p. 32.

Somewhere around chapter three it hits me. I stop and put the book down. “Father God? When have I been wrecked? Have I been wrecked?”

He reminded me of a day over a year ago when I volunteered as a test monitor at a public elementary school. As a test monitor, you’re just there to observe so I didn’t really get to interact with the kids. What “wrecked” me was seeing kids who looked defeated from the moment they picked up their pencils. They attempted a few questions, but their lack of confidence was overwhelmingly apparent. It was so hard not to go over and give them a hug and an encouraging, “You can do it! You’ve got this!”

I remember I left the school that day, my motherheart in turmoil. “How can I help those kids and kids like them to see how smart they are? To learn how to learn? To learn to love learning?”

I’ve heard it said that “wisdom is knowing what time it is.” And honestly, at the time, my life wasn’t all that comfortable. I was getting two kids ready to go to college in the fall. Life was full and busy. When the kids started school, I joined my husband in his painting business full time. We were focused on making a living and paying tuition payments, but we sensed that change was coming. I thought Bob would be moving on to other work, and then I’d find my place.

Until the Saturday morning when I asked that question.

The next thing the Father reminded me of was an email I had received from our church. It was a mass email, not specifically to me, but I might as well have been. They were meeting a need in our community by taking over an after school care program and they were looking for a director.

I just sat there breathing in the presence of that moment a still, small “eureka!” in my heart.

I took the job, knowing I felt incapable and unqualified, but as Jeff writes, “It’s the unfamiliar that calls us to be more than we can be on our own” (p. 65). I had certain skills and life experiences that I knew would make it a good fit for me and me for it, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it in my own strength. I knew I’d have to depend on the Teacher – the Holy Spirit – to lead and guide me.

“There’s something about the process of giving up on other possibilities and sticking to a path that brings life in ways that other thrills do not” (p. 82). The moment I accepted that it was my job to do, I received a vision for it too. I don’t yet see exactly how that vision is going to come to pass, it morphs in and out of focus, and I’m often tempted to let my doubts discourage me, but I’m learning anew to listen and to trust and to quit thinking so much and just enjoy it.

Have you been Wrecked? Get Jeff’s book here. 
 

Book Review: I Am A Follower

 I Am A Follower

The Way, Truth, and Life of Following Jesus

(It's Never Been About Leading)

 by Leonard Sweet

“We have been told our entire lives that we should be leaders, that we need more leaders, leaders, leaders. But the truth is that the greatest way to create a movement is to be a follower and to show others how to follow. Following is the most underrated form of leadership in existence.” (p. 14)

This is a book that should be read, highlighted, and re-read. While it might be considered an indictment against the Leadership propaganda/culture/dogma running rampant in the Church, it is so much more. It is a call to remember true discipleship. To follow Christ. “It is time we owned up to the false category of leader and its idolatry. Leadership is a function. Followership is an identity.” (p. 34)

It exposes the travesty of Church hierarchy and reminds us that we are all equal. We are brothers and sisters – it's all about relationship: “The vines and branches of our human spirit are pushing through the cracks in our concrete sidewalks and buildings, rescuing us from the prison of individualism and hierarchy, returning us to a thriving garden of relationship.” (p. 176) (One of many quotes that proves why Shane Claiborne calls Leonard Sweet, “a theological poet.”)

The integration of other forms of media into this book is innovative and inspiring. Sweet begins and ends the book with a “Reel to Real.” The first “Reel to Real,” which is a link to a YouTube video, vividly demonstrates what it means to be a “first follower.” And the final one demonstrates the power of joining in and becoming the music. “The greatest developmental task of life is to discover your song and sing it ravishing to the glory of God.” (p. 258)

This book should challenge your paradigm and shift your perspective, but the section divisions and mostly short chapters make it not an “easy” read, but an “ease” to read.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Book Review: The God I Never Knew by Robert Morris

My two younger children are students at ORU, where Robert Morris came and spoke in chapel last fall. He gave every student a copy of this book, The God I Never Knew. So I decided to read it.

It's a great overall teaching on the Holy Spirit. Reading it reminded me of how I felt when I read Forgotten God by Francis Chan. It was a great reminder of the friendship the Holy Spirit desires to have with us.

There was nothing earth shattering or paradigm shifting in this book for me, but I have been blessed to have grown up in churches with some very solid teaching on the Holy Spirit. That being said though, it is always good to be reminded of these things I've been taught. I needed the reminder to cultivate my friendship with the Holy Spirit.

I highly recommend the solid teaching found in this book for anyone who needs a primer on the Holy Spirit or a great refresher course.

Snobbery

Sometimes, I'm a snob.

Like most people, its *usually* because I'm feeling insecure and fearful of putting myself out there.

But sometimes -- it's because I *actually* think I'm better than someone else. (Ick.)

And of course, both are sinful.

Because anything not of faith is sin.

Any lie we believe puts us outside of faith.

Faith works by love. Anything done outside of love is sin.

Perfect love casts out fear. He who fears has not been made perfect in love.

That's what we're all working toward--love. Loving God, loving ourselves, loving others.

But...the awesome thing is: There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ! You know why? Because we have been set FREE from the law of sin and death!

And as we look to Jesus, as we fellowship with the Father, and commune with other people we are being transformed.

Not transforming ourselves, not doing the work of transformation, but being transformed.

Simple

I'm a simple girl.

Jeans & T-shirts.

I'm a simple girl who loves words -- not just the simple ones, but the complex, mysterious, must-look-this-up-to-know-precisely-what-it-means kind.

I enjoy reading books that require me to use dictionary.com every few pages. (The English translation of Captain Corelli's Mandolin is a great one for that!) I don't necessarily remember all the words I look up, or try to incorporate them into my vocabulary. I think what I'm really after is the meaning, so I understand as clearly as possible what the author is communicating.

I love to see how other people put words together. Sometimes the simplest words, put in the optimal order, paint the most amazing pictures.

I read a sentence, a book, a blog post like that and think, "I want to write like that!" Poetry. And prose that reads like poetry. That stuff stirs my heart.

But when I try to do that, it falls flat. It's hollow and dull and lifeless. Because I'm trying to write with someone else's voice, with someone else's gift. And in the process, I'm devaluing my own. I'm insulting my Creator.

I've been saying forever that I want to be a writer when I grow up, then at some point I started saying I want to be Donald Miller or Anne Lamott when I grow up. But I'm finally learning the world doesn't need another donald Miller or Anne Lamott, they've got the market cornered on them.

*deep breath*

You have no idea how hard it is to say this. (Well, maybe you do.)

The world needs me to be me.

So I guess if I'm making a "resolution" for 2012, its this: to simply be me and be open to sharing me with whoever God sends across my path. (I'll share my three words for 2012 soon.)

The world needs you too. Otherwise, you wouldn't even be here.

(Here's a great post from Donald Miller about What Makes Some People Special. Something to think about.)

Sanctifying Self-Pity

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.

And I hate that. (Did I say, "I hate that?" I hate that.)

I have so much to be grateful for, I have NO excuse to wallow in self-pity.

But lately, I've realized something.

If I just let it be what it is and "sit" with it, instead of trying so hard to change it it's so much easier to deal with!

Now, I'm not talking about wallowing in it, but just sitting with it, experiencing it in the moment, instead of railing against it.

Because fighting it just seems to prolong it. Because fighting it makes me grumpy and not nice to people I love and that is so not fair to them. They don't know the battle that's going on in my head. When I kick and scream against it, it's so hard to shake it and it poisons everything.

I definitely believe in "taking every thought captive", but how do you do that? By kicking and screaming against it? Nope. The verse before that says that the weapons we use are not fleshly weapons, but spiritual. It is His divine power.

When I just acknowledge to my Father God: "I really feel like I suck right now. It feels like life sucks right now. I just can't shake this on my own. Help me! I cast this 'care' on You." He says, "It's okay. I know. I see you and I know where you are right now. Everything is going to be okay." 

Really. That's what He said -- not "How dare you be ungrateful for everything I've given you!!!"

I may not "feel" better at that moment, but I have peace. I know it will pass. It always does. I can be patient with myself and that keeps me from being mean and grumpy.

For me, this is a very tangible example of "love others as well as you love yourself." If I'm patient and loving with myself than I can be patient and loving with everyone else.

And if I'm really mindful and honest about it, my "self-pity mode" is usually hormonal--that's a reason, not an excuse. The feeling itself isn't ungodly or sinful, it's what I do with it that makes it unholy.

God is so good and gives so much grace! His mercies are new every morning. I think, knowing this, I might even be able to acknowledge -- outloud -- to another human being, that I'm feeling that way without being worried about what they will think. Acknowledging the pain instead of acting out of it. Hmm...brings to mind a post by Donald Miller I read today: "Vulnerability as a key to emotional health."

I just want to be real. Authentic. Relevant. And I can't do that if I pretend that everything is always wonderful all the time. That kind of mask is a counterfeit Christianity that inoculates people to the true Gospel message.

This song, Rise by Shawn McDonald happened to come on the radio the other day while I was pondering these things. It's one of my favorites. (The link is a "live" acoustic version, those are usually the best!)

Sometimes my heart is on the ground
And hope is nowhere to be found
Love is a figment I once knew
And yet I hold on to what I know is true

Yes I will rise

The Aspostle Paul was a Great Lover

I'm reading a One Year chronological bible this year, so here at the end of the year I'm reading all of Paul's epistles. I've read them many times in my life, but I something different really stood out to me for the first time -- Paul really, really, really loves people.
You can see it throughout every letter. Paul's joy at the faith of the Philippians, his grief at the misunderstanding and misinformation of the Thessalonians and the Galatians. His desire that those who had fallen be restored. His letters are full of longing for his readers to really, truly grasp the love of Christ.

In Philippians 1:7 he tells them, "I have you in my heart." And when he speaks of Epaphroditus in Philippians 2, he says that God had mercy on Epaphroditus, healing him from a near-fatal illness, which Paul considered a mercy to himself as well, "to spare me sorrow upon sorrow."

Paul truly loves these people. It feels like a great big, "duh" in my head. Obviously he loves these people, he's risking his life for them most of the time. He's in chains for them. Gladly. Maybe I'm usually so focused on the "theology" and the "how do I apply this to my life" that I've missed it somehow. But then I'm reminded of Paul's conflict, "If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.  Convinced of this, I know that I will remain...." (Philippians 1:22-25)

Maybe Paul's great love is in part, because like the woman who anointed Jesus for His burial, Paul had been forgiven so much. His brothers and sisters in Christ, whom he had formerly been hunting and murdering, had forgiven him and embraced him. They had welcomed him (with some understandable hesitancy at first) into the family, into the Body of Christ.

It's funny, I always think of that as "He who is forgiven much, loves much." But that's not what Jesus said. He said, "whoever has been forgiven little loves little."

I know I've been forgiven more than a little. Much more. Really we all have. Even if you have been a "Christian" your entire life, you have been forgiven so much. It's easy to lose sight of that. It's easy to become prideful in our spiritual growth and maturity and forget how much we've been forgiven. We're even forgiven for that -- for that ugly, stinking, disgusting pride in ourselves for being "good Christians." 

Not one of us should be loving little. We should love big. Really big.

(Okay, not like the TV show Big Love, which I've never seen, but suddenly came to mind...I'm not advocating bigamy. Gross.)


For God so loved the world. He sent His only Son. Let us so love. Let us love one another so that's how people know we're Jesus disciples. (The church-at-large seems to be falling so short on that one.)  Let's turn the tide. Like the Apostle Paul, I want be a lover, a great one. How about you?

Book Review: The Grace Effect by Larry Taunton

The Grace Effect is a more than just an adoption story. It is a glimpse into the world of the Ukraine and the results of a culture's elimination of God.



The story of Taunton's family adopting Sasha is sandwiched between the story of his debates with famous atheist, Christopher Hitchens (one of the self-proclaimed "Four Horsemen of the Counter-Apocalypse"). He uses these debates as a way to introduce "the grace effect" in the prologue and then shows us in the epilogue how through Sasha's life, even someone who doesn't believe in the grace effect is touched by it.

He says, "Common grace is that grace which may be enjoyed by believers as well as unbelievers, though the former understand its source." (p. 20) Taunton goes on to define the "grace effect" as "an observable phenomenon -- that life is demonstrably better where authentic Christianity flourishes." (p. 22) But rather than showing us a culture that is benefiting from the grace effect (what most of his readers live with and experience on a daily basis) he uses the completely broken, worldly culture of the Ukraine and specifically the adoption system to demonstrate a country bereft of God and the effects of His grace.

At times, the book seems to become more of a scholarly work and leaves behind the story element. But in the end, the author does a good job of giving the reader a snapshot of the Ukrainian adoption process and its corruption (and the chapter on a brief history of religion in Ukraine is well-written and engaging) and then getting right back into the adoption story.

I believe the author does fulfill his purpose as stated in the prologue: "to make a case for society's need of Christianity's gentling, inspiring, and culturally transforming power."

As you read you will find yourself infuriated at times and inspired at others -- infuriated at the corruption of the Ukrainian adoption process and how it seems to be about everything but the children and inspired at seeing God at work on Sasha and her adoptive family's behalf.

In the end, I can't say its one of my favorite books I've ever read, but I enjoyed it. I expected it to make me want to adopt a child from the Ukraine, it did not. But I guess that was not the author's purpose. So I can't quite put my finger on why I wouldn't "highly" recommend the book, but it's a good read, especially if you have an interest in adoption stories or in Christian apologetics.

 Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Keep Your Eyes Open

Last week as we headed west on a little road trip, we had the privilege of enjoying this amazing sunset (which was really way better than the picture suggests--the clouds were lit up). Scenes like that, beauty like that, just does something in my heart. It moves me.

So as I drove I pondered beauty. What makes something beautiful? Is it the contrast to what is ugly? Is it simply being "not-ugly" that makes it beautiful? Is it a certain combination of light and color or notes and instruments or eyes and nose?

I'm not sure there is ultimately a way to qualify or quantify beauty. Yes, we do it all the time. Science has determined what proportions make a face most attractive and critics can tell us why a particular piece of art or music is beautiful. We often compare and contrast things to explain what we see as beautiful, but is all that really what determines something (or someone's) beauty? What I see as beautiful may not appear to be beautiful to you.

Just like Truth, beauty moves our hearts. When we're living in the present moment and see something beautiful, it just moves us, no explanation necessary. There is no need for the contrast of ugliness to see that something is beautiful. In fact, there is beauty to be found in even the ugliest scene, thing, place, or person -- because somewhere, somehow, God is there. His beauty is always there to be found if we only have eyes to see.

When we see something beautiful we often want to capture it, thinking that we can hold on to that moment, to that particular sensation of beauty. But the memory, the picture is never quite the same. But the cool thing is, there's always more beauty to be found when we let one moment of beauty go and keep moving forward with open eyes and open hearts.

Beautiful Things

Finally making the decision to really, for real, write a blog has done something in me. Somehow, in making that decision, I gave my loving Heavenly Father access to a portion of my heart that He's been waiting to get to for a very long time.

I wouldn't say I purposely held back that part -- not from Him, anyway. But for far too long I've kept a small part of myself closely guarded.

From the time I quit thinking boys were "icky" until I decided I didn't care if I never got married (of course that's when God brought my husband. I can imagine Him saying to Jesus, "Hey, did you hear what Kelli just said? Watch this!") I pretty much always had a boyfriend, or at least a boy I was pursuing. My first kiss was around the age of 12, I think, and as the years went by what I was willing to give up to a boy became more and more until I eventually gave up the ultimate prize. More than once. More than twice. Not as many times, as some, maybe, but one time outside of marriage is one time too many.

Oftentimes, I was the aggressor. I remember one boyfriend in particular who was such a sweet, tenderhearted guy. He did not want to do that to me, but I pretty much forced the issue. Why? Why would I do that to him, to myself?

I certainly didn't understand why at the time, and I repented often, swearing, of course, to never do it again. And I think like many young people,  I believed that as long as actual intercourse wasn't involved it was okay. But it wasn't, and it's not. It's still giving something away, giving away pieces of yourself to someone who isn't fully committed to you for life. Losing little bits of yourself to someone who isn't ready to handle those pieces with the love and value they require.

Shortly after Bob and I were married, we were in a Sunday School class that was based on the book, The Blessing by John Trent and Gary Smalley. For the first time, I understood that a big part of the reason I had behaved the way I did was because of the lack of my father in my life. I love my dad and we have an awesome relationship now, but due to divorce and mental illness, he just wasn't in the day to day of my life growing up. I finally understood the reason I had such a craving for male affection. I was "looking for love in all the wrong places"!

At that point in my life, I *knew* that Father God had forgiven me, but understanding the why finally gave me the power to forgive myself. The guilt and shame still haunted me though. Over the years I just got better at choosing not to be affected by it, but the deep wound was still there.

Until now.

Finally letting my words out has reopened that wound. That surrendering has finally allowed Father God to get to that place and start healing it -- making it new. I can no longer live with choosing to ignore it, He's doing what He does and making me whole again.

Since the Holy Spirit was finally able to talk to me about it I finally understood why it still hurt. It hurt me that I had valued myself so little that I would just give myself away like that. It hurt that I thought I was worthless. And I realized the enemy has been using that against me for years. It's always been there, behind the scenes of my life, coloring my story. Deep down, I felt worthless.

So right now it's very raw, tender, and painful, but God has taken that part of my heart and is making Beautiful Things out of it. He is so good.

Thanksgiving and Gratitude

The last few days, I've been pondering the words, "thanksgiving" and "gratitude." (For obvious reasons.) Are they synonyms, or is there a difference between "giving thanks" and "being grateful"?

I'm a big fan of dictionary.com, so of course, I looked them up and confirmed that what I had been thinking was pretty much true. "Thanksgiving" is an action and "gratitude" is an attitude. That may sound like a very simple difference, but without one, you probably will not have the other, at least not authentically. They work together. Just as "faith without works is dead",  gratitude without the expression of thanksgiving becomes stagnant and cold. And thanksgiving expressed without a heart full of gratitude is just noise. It may not be apparent to anyone but you and your Father God, but your words will sound lifeless and hollow in your own ears.

When Sarah Ban Brethnach's book, Simple Abundance, became wildly popular "gratitude" became a big buzzword in our culture. It was the "in" thing to keep a gratitude journal. I think many people are still reaping the benefits of that today, but let's not take it for granted. Gratitude is a choice. We can choose to be grateful regardless of our circumstances, and out of that choice our thanksgiving will flow.

Jesus said, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." When our hearts are full of gratitude, our words will be full of thanksgiving.

And you know what the really cool thing is? Not only can we make the choice, but we have been empowered to make it. God gives us all the strength and all the grace we need to do it. It is simply a matter of turning. That's what repentance is, it's just a turning away from one thing toward another.

If I'm in a deep, dark place of self-pity and ingratitude (and oh yes, I've been there) it can seem like the most difficult, impossible thing in the world In fact, sometimes I just don't WANT TO! But my Father God is loving and patient and kind. His kindness brings me to repentance and the moment I decide to quit wallowing in my own filth, He is there. It's so simple, it seems to good to be true. But it is. It's true.

Trust is not a 4-Letter Word

So why do I so often act as if it is?

Proverbs 3: 5-6 says, "Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track." (The Message) Other translations say, "He will make your paths straight."

If I put my trust in my loving Heavenly Father, I can't go wrong. He will keep me on track. But what's even more amazing, is that even when I'm not trusting Him He is still at work bringing His will to pass in my life. My lack of trust in Him doesn't stop His work. He is the same same yesterday, today, and forever. There is no shadow of turning in Him. He just keeps moving forward. He continues to keep the universe in motion, including my tiny, little (but not insignificant) place in it.

Who am I to think that my distrust could disrupt God's work? I love chapter 38 through 41 of the Book of Job, when goes goes on a wild, wonderful, put-Job-in-his-place rant and says things like, "Where were you when I created the earth?" and "Do you have an arm like my arm? Can you shout in thunder the way I can?"

This song, "Starry Night" by Chris August has been running around in my head for the last couple of days. "Every starry night, that was His design..."

So much about this journey is about letting go. It's about letting go of my desire to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil and judge myself, my circumstances, my friends, my family, even my God. It's about letting go of expectations and have-tos and shoulds and embracing the abundant life Jesus' death provided for me by eating from the Tree of Life and trusting that God's got it. To borrow a phrase my daughter has been fond of lately, God has "ALL THE THINGS!"

He is Everything. I put all my trust in that. He has "all the things" -- all the things I need for life and godliness.

Selah.

Bring Life

My three kids are required to give me a hug before they leave the house. Every time. And 9 times out of 10, I give them a hug and a kiss, say "I love you" and then as they walk out the door they hear, "Have fun. Drive safe. Bring life." (I don't always say it all, I don't have a perfect record. Thank goodness.)

Up until a year or so ago, though, it was "Have fun. Drive safe. Be good." But one Sunday evening at our house church we were once again discussing the differences between the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil and the Tree of Life. God's desire is for us to eat the fruit of the Tree of Life. Even though He's the one who put that other tree in the garden anyway, knowing Adam & Eve wouldn't be able to resist. It was all simply part of His beautiful redemption story.

We are redeemed. I am redeemed. I am free to eat from the Tree of Life anytime I choose. So why do I sometimes still want to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil? (It's all about judgment.) It's that part of me that secretly thinks I could plan things better than Him. That if He'd just do things my way life would be so much EASIER! *sigh* But then I am reminded how grateful I am for an "uneasy" life. For the challenge of living by faith. My constant need (whatever it may be at the time, there's always something) always drives me to Him. And why would I want to live any other way?

After that Sunday night, for the next couple of days every time I said "Be good," to one of my kids it felt as if a knife were turning in my stomach. With the help of the Comforter of course, I finally realized what it was. I don't want my kids to "Be good!" I want them to "Bring life!" I want to constantly remind them to bring life in every situation they face. I want them to purpose to bring life to every person they meet.

When God made His covenant with the Israelites at Moab, Moses commanded them, "This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." (Deuteronomy 30:19 NIV) The Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil is death. Choose life. I choose life that my children and I may live, really live. I choose life so that we can live loving, passionate, purposeful lives — giving generously, hoping fervently, and praying ceaselessly.

So as my children walk out the door, and I call out to them "Bring life," they are reminded of what they were put on this planet to be.

And it's always fun for them to get to explain to whatever friend might be with them that I'm not encouraging them to go out and make babies or anything of the sort. :)

FREEEEEDOOOOMMMMM!!!

Okay. Well, just a few days into my 365 day commitment, I missed two days.

But I had a GREAT weekend!

I don't know exactly where Saturday morning went, but I spent most of it reading, which always makes me happy.

Saturday afternoon my husband, one of my boys, and I went to work. My husband has a painting business and I recently started working with him full time. Normally, we do not do outside paint jobs, but sometimes you gotta take what's there! (Rent, Tuition, Bills....being what they are.) Well, Saturday was a beautiful day to be outside and instead of writing my blog in my head while I worked, I listened to my Mat Kearney station on Pandora Radio. (And I discovered Matt Nathanson!)

So with my headphones on, I set to work doing something perfectly suited for my slightly OCD tendencies, I spent the afternoon caulking a million nail holes. The weather was perfect — it was a great day to be outside. As usual, we pushed the envelope and worked much later than we should have considering we had someplace to go Saturday night! Our daughter was performing in Playhouse Theater's 24 Hour Play Competition.

We finally rushed home and cleaned up as quickly as we could, and sheer craziness ensued on the car ride to pick up our friends who were joining us. We enjoy laughing together as a family and I think that is almost all we did Saturday night. We finally made it downtown and parked a little ways from the Performing Arts Center (to avoid paying $5 for parking ;)). After all, it was a warm fall evening perfect for a little walk. We had to cross the street several times, so I was making sure my little group used all the crosswalks! :)

We thoroughly enjoyed the performances and my daughter's team won 3rd place! After snapping a couple of pictures and gathering up props, we headed toward the door. What awaited us outside the door was quite different than what was there when we went in. Blasts of cold, icy wind practically blew us back into the building. (I realize now that doesn't really make sense. The wind really tried to blow us the wrong way down the street, not back into the building.) Needless to say, our walk back to the car was a little more rushed than our previous walk. But we  were almost safely back to the car and it happened — I lost control of my group and they, we (sadly, I did it too) JAYWALKED! Ack! Fortunately, we got lucky. No tickets were written and no one was hit by a passing driver hoping to earn a few easy points.

So as I pondered my failure to post a blog on Saturday and Sunday, I recalled our little walk and my desire to keep everyone in the crosswalks. Control. Perhaps my 365 day commitment was just another way to control myself. I had broken free of my fear of typing words onto the screen without over-editing and procrastinating and worrying about what people will think, but had I exchanged that bondage for another one?

Do we use our goals, or do our goals use us?

I honestly felt just fine about missing those two days. Which is huge for me. I didn't beat myself up, not even a little and believe me, I have black-and-blued myself many, many times. It was definitely my MO for too many years. But Jesus said, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:30 KJV) He never intended for us to flagellate ourselves, on the outside or the inside. "So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8:36 ESV) Freedom in Christ. Not free to do whatever we want without consequence, but truly free. Free to live within the "easy" bonds of love.

And I don't know about you, but I can rarely hear the words "free" or "freedom" without seeing that beautiful, awful, perfect moment when William Wallace roared "FREEEEDOOOOMMMM." Brings tears to my eyes every time.

So I missed two days. But here we are. I'm not letting that stop me.

Oh! And Sunday was a great day too! A little football, a little laundry, a lot of rest, and some good company. God is good. (Come on, say it for me....All the time.)

Contentment and Finally "Getting It"

It's so cool how God illuminates bits and pieces of different things to me and then -- BAM! -- one day it all just comes into focus and the sky splits open. I can see again. One aspect of my blindness is gone. Bit by bit my Father lets a little more light into that space in my heart, then suddenly, I can see it all.

This morning I was reading Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. The gist of it is that our struggles with food and weight are all related to our desire for something more, but we can't tolerate sitting with that desire so for various reasons we try to squelch it with food. I highlighted this quote by John Tarrant,

"All wanting -- for love, to be seen for who we are, for a new red car is wanting to find and be taken into this mysterious depth in things."*

Then just after his quote, Geenen writes, "By collapsing the whole of our wanting into something as tangible as butterscotch pudding, we cancel poetry, sacredness, longing from our lives and resign ourselves to living with hearts banged shut."

The way she said that made me realize that since I was a teenager, I thought that being "content" meant that I didn't want anything. That I had no "right" to want anything. So anytime I felt a "want" (and don't get me started on the difference between things we "want" and things we "need"...argh...), I struggled with it. I suppressed it. But the sad thing is, those wants never really go away. And anything we try and satisfy outside of faith, outside of trusting God, is sin. (See Romans 14:23.)

So what finally clicked for me today is that being content doesn't mean we don't want something more, something better, something bigger, something brighter. It means that we are okay with the wanting itself. It's okay to want something, and it's also okay to not get it. Just let the wanting be what it is.

I have this tendency to tell myself "love doesn't demand its own way," as an excuse for not saying, or not asking for, what I want. Hmm...I think there must be a big difference between expressing a desire and demanding that things be done your way. And the bizarre flip side to all this, is I would NEVER place that expectation on someone else. I would never tell a friend, my spouse, or my kids that it's not okay to want certain things. God gives us the desires of our hearts. He actually plants those desires in us to get us moving in the right direction. 

So why am I so hard on myself? Is it because secretly, deep down, I think that while I'm capable of living that kind of austere (read: self-righteous) existence, other people aren't? Ick. Isn't that just beyond arrogant? But you know what? I'm going to give myself a little grace (like I would anyone else!).

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." -- Ranier Maria Rilke

 

*(My best friend, Rae, is smiling right now, because she knows that if a quote has the word "mystery" in it, I'm sure to highlight it. I am all about embracing the mysterious side of God!)

It's All About Love...

As I pondered all day long, asking my Friend (the Paraklete), "What am I supposed to write about today?" He simply reminded me to just share what's on my heart and honestly, most of my thoughts today were about love.

Pure and simple. Love.

It's so amazing to me how God brings certain people in our lives and we feel an instant connection. Our hearts are forever knit together. I'll even go so far as to say we "fall in love" with them. Okay, so not like we fall in love with our spouses, or maybe not even exactly the same as the way we fall in love with our children. But pretty darn close to the latter.

My husband and I recently had the privilege of welcoming a new young man into our home and our lives and we just had that connection with him. And the funny thing is, it reminds me of the connection we had with another young man, many years ago when we were first married. Even though at the time, we were far too young to actually be his parents, we always considered him one of our kids. It feels as if we've come full circle.

For a few years, we had lost touch with him, but after years of my husband searching internet databases periodically to locate him, we finally found him again. And next month, to celebrate my husband's birthday, we're going to see him!

I just love how God does things.

And on another note, for what it's worth, two songs have been running around in my head all day: Mat Kearney's "Down" and Coldplay's "Fix You".

Enjoy the music. Thank our Loving Heavenly Father for those special people who just...fit. Those people who will always be in your heart regardless of time or distance.

Have you experienced this kind of "falling in love"? Am I crazy for looking at it that way?