Our Story: BEFORE

For most of my life, I've been living in the wilderness of  "just barely enough."

I have so, so much to be thankful for and I know we have so much more than some. But I also know this isn't how our Father God wants us to live — barely getting by, always behind.

But we have so much to be thankful for. I see the things other people are going through and I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world. But are we experiencing the abundant life Jesus' sacrifice provided?

I want to have all of our needs met, abundantly supplied, so that we can give into every good work. We are givers and its painful when we see a need and we can't give.

This Christmas is supposed to be — is going to be — Lord, I believe, help my unbelief — different! Abundant! In every way.

We've found peace and joy in little to nothing, can we still have peace and joy in plenteous abundance?

The last two years have been especially pressured. Transition. In the midst, God has miraculously come through over and over. But its time to walk into the spacious place — to live in God's abundant provision. Twenty years ago, Dick Mills prophesied Psalm 66:12 to us:

You let men ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.

This is our BEFORE...the AFTER is coming, I know it. So I'm sharing the before while it's now, authentic, and true.

We've had beautiful, sweet glimpses and I'm so grateful.

After the pause, after the quiet pondering, "Have I said too much? Have I said too little? Do I sound ungrateful, grumbling and complaining?" After He speaks, "Peace. Be Still," I'm not looking for answers, I'm just looking for Him. I've seen His star in the East and I've come to worship Him.

Not a Reason to Homeschool: Don't Let Fear Be Your Motivator

I began my homeschooling journey when a dear family friend introduced us to Sonlight Curriculum.  As I read the catalog from cover-to-cover, one of my favorite articles was entitled "27 Reasons Not to Buy Sonlight." I appreciated their candor, and honestly, almost every one of their reasons not to buy made me want to buy it even more! However, in light of the tragedy in Connecticut, I want to highlight something I believe is not a reason to choose homeschooling.

Fear.

I do believe that fear is a God-given mechanism of protection, don't get me wrong. But I'm talking about the kind of fear that becomes bondage, that holds you in its grip until you're afraid to leave your home, afraid to let your children leave home.

Homeschooling should not be a knee-jerk reaction to violence in schools. It should be a deliberate, prayerful choice.

I firmly believe some families are called to be a light in the public schools, some are called to give and receive light in private schools, and some are called to homeschool, growing deeper in their knowledge of the light and shining it in different ways than the traditionally schooled. (And, sometimes the calling can be different per child in the same family!)

I am so grateful I was able to homeschool my kids.* Did I do it perfectly?

No.

Did I sometimes feel like a complete failure who was doing my kids a grave disservice?

Absolutely.

Did I love every moment of every day with "math meltdown" and what seemed like a total lack of motivation?

Not so much.

But.

Did I celebrate the disappearance of "monster mom" who lost it almost daily trying to get kids out of the door to school on time?

Yes!

Did I cherish every moment snuggled on the couch reading, every obvious learning moment, and every moment spent discussing life and love?

Absolutely!

(Did I cry so much at the end of every novel of historical fiction I read aloud to the point that I could barely finish the book?

Yep. Ask my kids, they still give me a hard time about it occasionally!)

Am I grateful for all the unhurried, stressful, goofy, grumpy, joyful, sad, delightful, frustrating moments of our homeschooling days?

So very grateful.

Now that they're grown, I can look back so glad that I persevered. I couldn't have done it without the strength, grace, and wisdom of my Heavenly Father, not just because it was crazy and frustrating at times, but mostly because of my own doubts.

Wherever God has called you and your kids to be, rest in Him. Rest in His strength, grace, and wisdom to see you through it all — the great days and the not-so-great days.

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows."

Luke 12:6-7 ESV 

You who sit down in the High God’s presence,
    spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow,
Say this: “God, you’re my refuge.
    I trust in you and I’m safe!”

Psalm 91:1 The Message 

 

*Full disclosure (in case someone who doesn't know me personally reads this): My oldest son had a wonderful experience in public school for first grade, then all three of my kids attended a private Christian school until the year we decided to start homeschooling (3rd, 4th, and 7th grade).

Our Amazingness

Occasionally a friend or family member will tell me they're amazed by me.

How can that be so?

I'm never enough. I never do enough, or say the right things.

But...

I'm learning to believe. They're not lying to me anymore than I am lying to them when I tell them how amazing and special they are.

We all tend to take our gifts for granted.

Well, no more. Join me?

God is my Father and He put some amazing gifts in me. And, He is amazing and He is in me!

And He is in you, too. Believe in your amazingness.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Reading Fast

No, I’m not learning to speed read. I like books and reading too much for that. I’m going to take a break from reading for a while. Certainly not because reading is a bad habit I need to let go of -- reading is a very good habit. Writers are readers. However, I used that as an excuse for far too long. I am an information-gatherer. In fact, I would say my compulsion borders on gluttony.  I take in a LOT in and don’t let enough out. 

I WANT to write. I feel the drive and the desire. But then I read more blogs about how to do it. I read more books to give me things to think about so I can write about them. I’ve read Pressfield’s The War of Art, I know what I’m experiencing is that enemy of all creatives -- Resistance.

Do I just write, edit, and hit publish? Or do I polish each word, each sentence, and each paragraph until it blinds you with its dazzling brilliance? Is my post too long? Is it too short? Is it easily scannable? Do I need more or less bullet points or one or two more items in my list?

If I just read a few more posts by my favorite bloggers maybe I’ll finally get it. Maybe I’ll discover my style of blogging.

On someone else’s blog?

If my true desire is to be authentic and real with everything I write and publish, how can I accomplish that by using someone else’s blogging voice?

So. I’m putting an end to it for a while. For 40 days, instead of reading, I’m going to write.*

For now, I’m not going to worry if I’m just writing for myself or if I’m building my Tribe. I’m just going to exercise the writing muscle and see what happens. I’m going to trust the Holy Spirit to begin focusing and leading my writing into something that someone will relate to and be comforted, encouraged, or challenged.

I’m not sure how much of what I write the next 40 days is going to end up here…but here goes nothin' (or is it just the beginning of something?)!

*With two small exceptions: Fiction reading for fun and daily scripture reading.

I've Been Wrecked

Review of Wrecked: When a Broken World Slams into Your Comfortable Life by Jeff Goins

 

Jeff is one of my favorite bloggers. His posts on writing and life are always encouraging and challenging – the perfect combination in my book. So I couldn’t wait to read his first trade book, Wrecked.

Being “wrecked” can look slightly different for each person, but Jeff says,

“To be wrecked is to be disabused of the status quo.

“It means to have a transformation that goes beyond mere words—to be introduced to another way of life, to follow in the footsteps of a teacher who is calling you through the eye of a needle….The process is horrible and ugly and completely gut-wrenching—and at the same time, beautiful” p. 32.

Somewhere around chapter three it hits me. I stop and put the book down. “Father God? When have I been wrecked? Have I been wrecked?”

He reminded me of a day over a year ago when I volunteered as a test monitor at a public elementary school. As a test monitor, you’re just there to observe so I didn’t really get to interact with the kids. What “wrecked” me was seeing kids who looked defeated from the moment they picked up their pencils. They attempted a few questions, but their lack of confidence was overwhelmingly apparent. It was so hard not to go over and give them a hug and an encouraging, “You can do it! You’ve got this!”

I remember I left the school that day, my motherheart in turmoil. “How can I help those kids and kids like them to see how smart they are? To learn how to learn? To learn to love learning?”

I’ve heard it said that “wisdom is knowing what time it is.” And honestly, at the time, my life wasn’t all that comfortable. I was getting two kids ready to go to college in the fall. Life was full and busy. When the kids started school, I joined my husband in his painting business full time. We were focused on making a living and paying tuition payments, but we sensed that change was coming. I thought Bob would be moving on to other work, and then I’d find my place.

Until the Saturday morning when I asked that question.

The next thing the Father reminded me of was an email I had received from our church. It was a mass email, not specifically to me, but I might as well have been. They were meeting a need in our community by taking over an after school care program and they were looking for a director.

I just sat there breathing in the presence of that moment a still, small “eureka!” in my heart.

I took the job, knowing I felt incapable and unqualified, but as Jeff writes, “It’s the unfamiliar that calls us to be more than we can be on our own” (p. 65). I had certain skills and life experiences that I knew would make it a good fit for me and me for it, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it in my own strength. I knew I’d have to depend on the Teacher – the Holy Spirit – to lead and guide me.

“There’s something about the process of giving up on other possibilities and sticking to a path that brings life in ways that other thrills do not” (p. 82). The moment I accepted that it was my job to do, I received a vision for it too. I don’t yet see exactly how that vision is going to come to pass, it morphs in and out of focus, and I’m often tempted to let my doubts discourage me, but I’m learning anew to listen and to trust and to quit thinking so much and just enjoy it.

Have you been Wrecked? Get Jeff’s book here. 
 

Book Review: I Am A Follower

 I Am A Follower

The Way, Truth, and Life of Following Jesus

(It's Never Been About Leading)

 by Leonard Sweet

“We have been told our entire lives that we should be leaders, that we need more leaders, leaders, leaders. But the truth is that the greatest way to create a movement is to be a follower and to show others how to follow. Following is the most underrated form of leadership in existence.” (p. 14)

This is a book that should be read, highlighted, and re-read. While it might be considered an indictment against the Leadership propaganda/culture/dogma running rampant in the Church, it is so much more. It is a call to remember true discipleship. To follow Christ. “It is time we owned up to the false category of leader and its idolatry. Leadership is a function. Followership is an identity.” (p. 34)

It exposes the travesty of Church hierarchy and reminds us that we are all equal. We are brothers and sisters – it's all about relationship: “The vines and branches of our human spirit are pushing through the cracks in our concrete sidewalks and buildings, rescuing us from the prison of individualism and hierarchy, returning us to a thriving garden of relationship.” (p. 176) (One of many quotes that proves why Shane Claiborne calls Leonard Sweet, “a theological poet.”)

The integration of other forms of media into this book is innovative and inspiring. Sweet begins and ends the book with a “Reel to Real.” The first “Reel to Real,” which is a link to a YouTube video, vividly demonstrates what it means to be a “first follower.” And the final one demonstrates the power of joining in and becoming the music. “The greatest developmental task of life is to discover your song and sing it ravishing to the glory of God.” (p. 258)

This book should challenge your paradigm and shift your perspective, but the section divisions and mostly short chapters make it not an “easy” read, but an “ease” to read.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Book Review: The God I Never Knew by Robert Morris

My two younger children are students at ORU, where Robert Morris came and spoke in chapel last fall. He gave every student a copy of this book, The God I Never Knew. So I decided to read it.

It's a great overall teaching on the Holy Spirit. Reading it reminded me of how I felt when I read Forgotten God by Francis Chan. It was a great reminder of the friendship the Holy Spirit desires to have with us.

There was nothing earth shattering or paradigm shifting in this book for me, but I have been blessed to have grown up in churches with some very solid teaching on the Holy Spirit. That being said though, it is always good to be reminded of these things I've been taught. I needed the reminder to cultivate my friendship with the Holy Spirit.

I highly recommend the solid teaching found in this book for anyone who needs a primer on the Holy Spirit or a great refresher course.

Snobbery

Sometimes, I'm a snob.

Like most people, its *usually* because I'm feeling insecure and fearful of putting myself out there.

But sometimes -- it's because I *actually* think I'm better than someone else. (Ick.)

And of course, both are sinful.

Because anything not of faith is sin.

Any lie we believe puts us outside of faith.

Faith works by love. Anything done outside of love is sin.

Perfect love casts out fear. He who fears has not been made perfect in love.

That's what we're all working toward--love. Loving God, loving ourselves, loving others.

But...the awesome thing is: There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ! You know why? Because we have been set FREE from the law of sin and death!

And as we look to Jesus, as we fellowship with the Father, and commune with other people we are being transformed.

Not transforming ourselves, not doing the work of transformation, but being transformed.

Simple

I'm a simple girl.

Jeans & T-shirts.

I'm a simple girl who loves words -- not just the simple ones, but the complex, mysterious, must-look-this-up-to-know-precisely-what-it-means kind.

I enjoy reading books that require me to use dictionary.com every few pages. (The English translation of Captain Corelli's Mandolin is a great one for that!) I don't necessarily remember all the words I look up, or try to incorporate them into my vocabulary. I think what I'm really after is the meaning, so I understand as clearly as possible what the author is communicating.

I love to see how other people put words together. Sometimes the simplest words, put in the optimal order, paint the most amazing pictures.

I read a sentence, a book, a blog post like that and think, "I want to write like that!" Poetry. And prose that reads like poetry. That stuff stirs my heart.

But when I try to do that, it falls flat. It's hollow and dull and lifeless. Because I'm trying to write with someone else's voice, with someone else's gift. And in the process, I'm devaluing my own. I'm insulting my Creator.

I've been saying forever that I want to be a writer when I grow up, then at some point I started saying I want to be Donald Miller or Anne Lamott when I grow up. But I'm finally learning the world doesn't need another donald Miller or Anne Lamott, they've got the market cornered on them.

*deep breath*

You have no idea how hard it is to say this. (Well, maybe you do.)

The world needs me to be me.

So I guess if I'm making a "resolution" for 2012, its this: to simply be me and be open to sharing me with whoever God sends across my path. (I'll share my three words for 2012 soon.)

The world needs you too. Otherwise, you wouldn't even be here.

(Here's a great post from Donald Miller about What Makes Some People Special. Something to think about.)