Beautiful Things

Finally making the decision to really, for real, write a blog has done something in me. Somehow, in making that decision, I gave my loving Heavenly Father access to a portion of my heart that He's been waiting to get to for a very long time.

I wouldn't say I purposely held back that part -- not from Him, anyway. But for far too long I've kept a small part of myself closely guarded.

From the time I quit thinking boys were "icky" until I decided I didn't care if I never got married (of course that's when God brought my husband. I can imagine Him saying to Jesus, "Hey, did you hear what Kelli just said? Watch this!") I pretty much always had a boyfriend, or at least a boy I was pursuing. My first kiss was around the age of 12, I think, and as the years went by what I was willing to give up to a boy became more and more until I eventually gave up the ultimate prize. More than once. More than twice. Not as many times, as some, maybe, but one time outside of marriage is one time too many.

Oftentimes, I was the aggressor. I remember one boyfriend in particular who was such a sweet, tenderhearted guy. He did not want to do that to me, but I pretty much forced the issue. Why? Why would I do that to him, to myself?

I certainly didn't understand why at the time, and I repented often, swearing, of course, to never do it again. And I think like many young people,  I believed that as long as actual intercourse wasn't involved it was okay. But it wasn't, and it's not. It's still giving something away, giving away pieces of yourself to someone who isn't fully committed to you for life. Losing little bits of yourself to someone who isn't ready to handle those pieces with the love and value they require.

Shortly after Bob and I were married, we were in a Sunday School class that was based on the book, The Blessing by John Trent and Gary Smalley. For the first time, I understood that a big part of the reason I had behaved the way I did was because of the lack of my father in my life. I love my dad and we have an awesome relationship now, but due to divorce and mental illness, he just wasn't in the day to day of my life growing up. I finally understood the reason I had such a craving for male affection. I was "looking for love in all the wrong places"!

At that point in my life, I *knew* that Father God had forgiven me, but understanding the why finally gave me the power to forgive myself. The guilt and shame still haunted me though. Over the years I just got better at choosing not to be affected by it, but the deep wound was still there.

Until now.

Finally letting my words out has reopened that wound. That surrendering has finally allowed Father God to get to that place and start healing it -- making it new. I can no longer live with choosing to ignore it, He's doing what He does and making me whole again.

Since the Holy Spirit was finally able to talk to me about it I finally understood why it still hurt. It hurt me that I had valued myself so little that I would just give myself away like that. It hurt that I thought I was worthless. And I realized the enemy has been using that against me for years. It's always been there, behind the scenes of my life, coloring my story. Deep down, I felt worthless.

So right now it's very raw, tender, and painful, but God has taken that part of my heart and is making Beautiful Things out of it. He is so good.

Thanksgiving and Gratitude

The last few days, I've been pondering the words, "thanksgiving" and "gratitude." (For obvious reasons.) Are they synonyms, or is there a difference between "giving thanks" and "being grateful"?

I'm a big fan of dictionary.com, so of course, I looked them up and confirmed that what I had been thinking was pretty much true. "Thanksgiving" is an action and "gratitude" is an attitude. That may sound like a very simple difference, but without one, you probably will not have the other, at least not authentically. They work together. Just as "faith without works is dead",  gratitude without the expression of thanksgiving becomes stagnant and cold. And thanksgiving expressed without a heart full of gratitude is just noise. It may not be apparent to anyone but you and your Father God, but your words will sound lifeless and hollow in your own ears.

When Sarah Ban Brethnach's book, Simple Abundance, became wildly popular "gratitude" became a big buzzword in our culture. It was the "in" thing to keep a gratitude journal. I think many people are still reaping the benefits of that today, but let's not take it for granted. Gratitude is a choice. We can choose to be grateful regardless of our circumstances, and out of that choice our thanksgiving will flow.

Jesus said, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." When our hearts are full of gratitude, our words will be full of thanksgiving.

And you know what the really cool thing is? Not only can we make the choice, but we have been empowered to make it. God gives us all the strength and all the grace we need to do it. It is simply a matter of turning. That's what repentance is, it's just a turning away from one thing toward another.

If I'm in a deep, dark place of self-pity and ingratitude (and oh yes, I've been there) it can seem like the most difficult, impossible thing in the world In fact, sometimes I just don't WANT TO! But my Father God is loving and patient and kind. His kindness brings me to repentance and the moment I decide to quit wallowing in my own filth, He is there. It's so simple, it seems to good to be true. But it is. It's true.

Trust is not a 4-Letter Word

So why do I so often act as if it is?

Proverbs 3: 5-6 says, "Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track." (The Message) Other translations say, "He will make your paths straight."

If I put my trust in my loving Heavenly Father, I can't go wrong. He will keep me on track. But what's even more amazing, is that even when I'm not trusting Him He is still at work bringing His will to pass in my life. My lack of trust in Him doesn't stop His work. He is the same same yesterday, today, and forever. There is no shadow of turning in Him. He just keeps moving forward. He continues to keep the universe in motion, including my tiny, little (but not insignificant) place in it.

Who am I to think that my distrust could disrupt God's work? I love chapter 38 through 41 of the Book of Job, when goes goes on a wild, wonderful, put-Job-in-his-place rant and says things like, "Where were you when I created the earth?" and "Do you have an arm like my arm? Can you shout in thunder the way I can?"

This song, "Starry Night" by Chris August has been running around in my head for the last couple of days. "Every starry night, that was His design..."

So much about this journey is about letting go. It's about letting go of my desire to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil and judge myself, my circumstances, my friends, my family, even my God. It's about letting go of expectations and have-tos and shoulds and embracing the abundant life Jesus' death provided for me by eating from the Tree of Life and trusting that God's got it. To borrow a phrase my daughter has been fond of lately, God has "ALL THE THINGS!"

He is Everything. I put all my trust in that. He has "all the things" -- all the things I need for life and godliness.

Selah.

Bring Life

My three kids are required to give me a hug before they leave the house. Every time. And 9 times out of 10, I give them a hug and a kiss, say "I love you" and then as they walk out the door they hear, "Have fun. Drive safe. Bring life." (I don't always say it all, I don't have a perfect record. Thank goodness.)

Up until a year or so ago, though, it was "Have fun. Drive safe. Be good." But one Sunday evening at our house church we were once again discussing the differences between the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil and the Tree of Life. God's desire is for us to eat the fruit of the Tree of Life. Even though He's the one who put that other tree in the garden anyway, knowing Adam & Eve wouldn't be able to resist. It was all simply part of His beautiful redemption story.

We are redeemed. I am redeemed. I am free to eat from the Tree of Life anytime I choose. So why do I sometimes still want to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil? (It's all about judgment.) It's that part of me that secretly thinks I could plan things better than Him. That if He'd just do things my way life would be so much EASIER! *sigh* But then I am reminded how grateful I am for an "uneasy" life. For the challenge of living by faith. My constant need (whatever it may be at the time, there's always something) always drives me to Him. And why would I want to live any other way?

After that Sunday night, for the next couple of days every time I said "Be good," to one of my kids it felt as if a knife were turning in my stomach. With the help of the Comforter of course, I finally realized what it was. I don't want my kids to "Be good!" I want them to "Bring life!" I want to constantly remind them to bring life in every situation they face. I want them to purpose to bring life to every person they meet.

When God made His covenant with the Israelites at Moab, Moses commanded them, "This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." (Deuteronomy 30:19 NIV) The Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil is death. Choose life. I choose life that my children and I may live, really live. I choose life so that we can live loving, passionate, purposeful lives — giving generously, hoping fervently, and praying ceaselessly.

So as my children walk out the door, and I call out to them "Bring life," they are reminded of what they were put on this planet to be.

And it's always fun for them to get to explain to whatever friend might be with them that I'm not encouraging them to go out and make babies or anything of the sort. :)

FREEEEEDOOOOMMMMM!!!

Okay. Well, just a few days into my 365 day commitment, I missed two days.

But I had a GREAT weekend!

I don't know exactly where Saturday morning went, but I spent most of it reading, which always makes me happy.

Saturday afternoon my husband, one of my boys, and I went to work. My husband has a painting business and I recently started working with him full time. Normally, we do not do outside paint jobs, but sometimes you gotta take what's there! (Rent, Tuition, Bills....being what they are.) Well, Saturday was a beautiful day to be outside and instead of writing my blog in my head while I worked, I listened to my Mat Kearney station on Pandora Radio. (And I discovered Matt Nathanson!)

So with my headphones on, I set to work doing something perfectly suited for my slightly OCD tendencies, I spent the afternoon caulking a million nail holes. The weather was perfect — it was a great day to be outside. As usual, we pushed the envelope and worked much later than we should have considering we had someplace to go Saturday night! Our daughter was performing in Playhouse Theater's 24 Hour Play Competition.

We finally rushed home and cleaned up as quickly as we could, and sheer craziness ensued on the car ride to pick up our friends who were joining us. We enjoy laughing together as a family and I think that is almost all we did Saturday night. We finally made it downtown and parked a little ways from the Performing Arts Center (to avoid paying $5 for parking ;)). After all, it was a warm fall evening perfect for a little walk. We had to cross the street several times, so I was making sure my little group used all the crosswalks! :)

We thoroughly enjoyed the performances and my daughter's team won 3rd place! After snapping a couple of pictures and gathering up props, we headed toward the door. What awaited us outside the door was quite different than what was there when we went in. Blasts of cold, icy wind practically blew us back into the building. (I realize now that doesn't really make sense. The wind really tried to blow us the wrong way down the street, not back into the building.) Needless to say, our walk back to the car was a little more rushed than our previous walk. But we  were almost safely back to the car and it happened — I lost control of my group and they, we (sadly, I did it too) JAYWALKED! Ack! Fortunately, we got lucky. No tickets were written and no one was hit by a passing driver hoping to earn a few easy points.

So as I pondered my failure to post a blog on Saturday and Sunday, I recalled our little walk and my desire to keep everyone in the crosswalks. Control. Perhaps my 365 day commitment was just another way to control myself. I had broken free of my fear of typing words onto the screen without over-editing and procrastinating and worrying about what people will think, but had I exchanged that bondage for another one?

Do we use our goals, or do our goals use us?

I honestly felt just fine about missing those two days. Which is huge for me. I didn't beat myself up, not even a little and believe me, I have black-and-blued myself many, many times. It was definitely my MO for too many years. But Jesus said, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:30 KJV) He never intended for us to flagellate ourselves, on the outside or the inside. "So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8:36 ESV) Freedom in Christ. Not free to do whatever we want without consequence, but truly free. Free to live within the "easy" bonds of love.

And I don't know about you, but I can rarely hear the words "free" or "freedom" without seeing that beautiful, awful, perfect moment when William Wallace roared "FREEEEDOOOOMMMM." Brings tears to my eyes every time.

So I missed two days. But here we are. I'm not letting that stop me.

Oh! And Sunday was a great day too! A little football, a little laundry, a lot of rest, and some good company. God is good. (Come on, say it for me....All the time.)

Contentment and Finally "Getting It"

It's so cool how God illuminates bits and pieces of different things to me and then -- BAM! -- one day it all just comes into focus and the sky splits open. I can see again. One aspect of my blindness is gone. Bit by bit my Father lets a little more light into that space in my heart, then suddenly, I can see it all.

This morning I was reading Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. The gist of it is that our struggles with food and weight are all related to our desire for something more, but we can't tolerate sitting with that desire so for various reasons we try to squelch it with food. I highlighted this quote by John Tarrant,

"All wanting -- for love, to be seen for who we are, for a new red car is wanting to find and be taken into this mysterious depth in things."*

Then just after his quote, Geenen writes, "By collapsing the whole of our wanting into something as tangible as butterscotch pudding, we cancel poetry, sacredness, longing from our lives and resign ourselves to living with hearts banged shut."

The way she said that made me realize that since I was a teenager, I thought that being "content" meant that I didn't want anything. That I had no "right" to want anything. So anytime I felt a "want" (and don't get me started on the difference between things we "want" and things we "need"...argh...), I struggled with it. I suppressed it. But the sad thing is, those wants never really go away. And anything we try and satisfy outside of faith, outside of trusting God, is sin. (See Romans 14:23.)

So what finally clicked for me today is that being content doesn't mean we don't want something more, something better, something bigger, something brighter. It means that we are okay with the wanting itself. It's okay to want something, and it's also okay to not get it. Just let the wanting be what it is.

I have this tendency to tell myself "love doesn't demand its own way," as an excuse for not saying, or not asking for, what I want. Hmm...I think there must be a big difference between expressing a desire and demanding that things be done your way. And the bizarre flip side to all this, is I would NEVER place that expectation on someone else. I would never tell a friend, my spouse, or my kids that it's not okay to want certain things. God gives us the desires of our hearts. He actually plants those desires in us to get us moving in the right direction. 

So why am I so hard on myself? Is it because secretly, deep down, I think that while I'm capable of living that kind of austere (read: self-righteous) existence, other people aren't? Ick. Isn't that just beyond arrogant? But you know what? I'm going to give myself a little grace (like I would anyone else!).

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." -- Ranier Maria Rilke

 

*(My best friend, Rae, is smiling right now, because she knows that if a quote has the word "mystery" in it, I'm sure to highlight it. I am all about embracing the mysterious side of God!)

It's All About Love...

As I pondered all day long, asking my Friend (the Paraklete), "What am I supposed to write about today?" He simply reminded me to just share what's on my heart and honestly, most of my thoughts today were about love.

Pure and simple. Love.

It's so amazing to me how God brings certain people in our lives and we feel an instant connection. Our hearts are forever knit together. I'll even go so far as to say we "fall in love" with them. Okay, so not like we fall in love with our spouses, or maybe not even exactly the same as the way we fall in love with our children. But pretty darn close to the latter.

My husband and I recently had the privilege of welcoming a new young man into our home and our lives and we just had that connection with him. And the funny thing is, it reminds me of the connection we had with another young man, many years ago when we were first married. Even though at the time, we were far too young to actually be his parents, we always considered him one of our kids. It feels as if we've come full circle.

For a few years, we had lost touch with him, but after years of my husband searching internet databases periodically to locate him, we finally found him again. And next month, to celebrate my husband's birthday, we're going to see him!

I just love how God does things.

And on another note, for what it's worth, two songs have been running around in my head all day: Mat Kearney's "Down" and Coldplay's "Fix You".

Enjoy the music. Thank our Loving Heavenly Father for those special people who just...fit. Those people who will always be in your heart regardless of time or distance.

Have you experienced this kind of "falling in love"? Am I crazy for looking at it that way?

Like Sands Through the Hourglass....

I have three adult children.

I have to pause and sigh deeply as I re-read that. The time has flown so quickly. I cannot believe they are grown. I began my parenting journey in 1988, with the birth of our oldest son. And in September of this year, 2011, our daughter, the youngest, turned 18. On her birthday, when it hit me that not one of my children would require my signature for anything anymore, I felt a weird sense of completion, accomplishment, and emptiness -- all at once.

Now. I realize that my parenting days aren't really over. Our two boys have both celebrated their Bar Barakah, so we view them as men, but that doesn't mean we no longer parent them, it's just that the dynamic of our relationship has changed. (It's like a Bar Mitzvah, but the Christian version means "Son of the Blessing," instead of "Son of the Law." I may write a blog post about the ceremony in the future.) Our daughter has not yet had her official ceremony ("Bat Barakah" for "Daughter of the Blessing"), but her transition from high school to college has already created quite a shift. Even though all three still live at home, we are a houseful of adults. It's different. It's fun!

I am so blessed by and so proud of our children. They are responsible adults who do their best to "love God and love people." And lest you think I believe I had much to do with that, let me say right now, I cannot imagine trying to rear children without the help of the Holy Spirit, my Savior, and our Loving Father God.

We made mistakes. Lots of them. In my opinion, probably more than lots of other parents. But thank God, He makes up the difference. To this day, I am continually grateful that God laid it on our hearts and provided the circumstances, the push, the resources, and the grace to homeschool our children. I wouldn't trade what I've gained through that experience for all the money, success, or fame in the world.

Our oldest son has a great job and the sweetest girlfriend, who we hope will become more than that someday. ;) And our younger son and our daughter are about to complete their first semester of school at Oral Roberts University. All three are some of my favorite people in the whole world, and some of my best friends.

I. Am. So. Blessed. God is so good. I am so grateful. (And looking forward to grandbabies eventually!)

Where are you in your parenting journey? It's so easy to feel like you're not doing enough sometimes. Remember that God will always make up the difference. Trust Him. He entrusted His children to you for a purpose.

Two Posts in One Day? Yep...Here We Go....

My post this morning, Throwing Caution to the Wind, did something in me. As soon as I hit "publish" and walked into kitchen, my Friend, my Comforter, my Encourager, the Holy Spirit said, "Okay. That's just the beginning."

"The beginning of what, exactly?"

He continued, "Starting today, you are going to write a blog post each day for a year, just like you did today. With that infernal, internal editor-girl turned off."

Okay, so as a person who reads something pretty much every single day about how to be a better writer (and yes, I know that the first rule is, "writers write" :)) this is a scary proposition. Every word has to count. Every word should be the "right" word. What if I'm misunderstood? What if I say something offensive without meaning to? What if I sound *gasp* irrelevant or arrogant or just plain stupid?

And again, my dear Friend reminds me, "It doesn't matter. It's not up to you. All you have to do is put your fingers on the keyboard and type out what's on your heart."

"And keep my hand over the editor's mouth, no matter how much she struggles to free herself?"

Very gently, He says, "Exactly."

So, here we go. Tomorrow is day 1 -- November 16, 2011.

I'm not waiting until January to start, I'm doing it now. Today.

(And in the interest of full disclosure, I do re-read and "edit" the post while I'm typing and right before I hit "publish." I'm just committing to doing it all in one sitting and leaving behind (at least for 365 days) that "process" that keeps me from publishing anything.)



So what could you start today, that you may be mentally putting of until January 1, 2012?

Throwing Caution to the Wind and Turning off the Editor...for today anyway...

Why is it so difficult? I so easily and readily take my own thoughts for granted that I end up doing nothing. Putting nothing out there. I'm like the "wicked, lazy servant" who thought the master was "a hard man"!Why? Why would I imagine for a second that my Loving Heavenly Father "reaps where he doesn't sow"?

(I love the way The Message says it, "It's criminal to live cautiously like that!" http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2025&version=MSG

Why would a loving Father give me this burning desire to put words on paper that will help those who read them know who He is (in a simple way) then leave me to twist in the wind? I am not responsible for the results, just the action, the decision, to put it out there.

Why does Resistance constantly get the best of me? (I need to re-read The War of Art !)

If all I ever accomplish is pleasing my Father God -- That. Is. Enough. That is all. That is everything.

So today, instead of my usual "process" of writing, putting it aside for a couple of days, editing and putting it aside for a couple of days, editing again, and then maybe hitting "publish," I've put my hand over the mouth of the editor who lives in my brain, and she is struggling and straining and trying to bite her way out, but for today, I'm holding her back.

What holds you back? What keeps you from investing your "talent"?