Beautiful Things

Finally making the decision to really, for real, write a blog has done something in me. Somehow, in making that decision, I gave my loving Heavenly Father access to a portion of my heart that He's been waiting to get to for a very long time.

I wouldn't say I purposely held back that part -- not from Him, anyway. But for far too long I've kept a small part of myself closely guarded.

From the time I quit thinking boys were "icky" until I decided I didn't care if I never got married (of course that's when God brought my husband. I can imagine Him saying to Jesus, "Hey, did you hear what Kelli just said? Watch this!") I pretty much always had a boyfriend, or at least a boy I was pursuing. My first kiss was around the age of 12, I think, and as the years went by what I was willing to give up to a boy became more and more until I eventually gave up the ultimate prize. More than once. More than twice. Not as many times, as some, maybe, but one time outside of marriage is one time too many.

Oftentimes, I was the aggressor. I remember one boyfriend in particular who was such a sweet, tenderhearted guy. He did not want to do that to me, but I pretty much forced the issue. Why? Why would I do that to him, to myself?

I certainly didn't understand why at the time, and I repented often, swearing, of course, to never do it again. And I think like many young people,  I believed that as long as actual intercourse wasn't involved it was okay. But it wasn't, and it's not. It's still giving something away, giving away pieces of yourself to someone who isn't fully committed to you for life. Losing little bits of yourself to someone who isn't ready to handle those pieces with the love and value they require.

Shortly after Bob and I were married, we were in a Sunday School class that was based on the book, The Blessing by John Trent and Gary Smalley. For the first time, I understood that a big part of the reason I had behaved the way I did was because of the lack of my father in my life. I love my dad and we have an awesome relationship now, but due to divorce and mental illness, he just wasn't in the day to day of my life growing up. I finally understood the reason I had such a craving for male affection. I was "looking for love in all the wrong places"!

At that point in my life, I *knew* that Father God had forgiven me, but understanding the why finally gave me the power to forgive myself. The guilt and shame still haunted me though. Over the years I just got better at choosing not to be affected by it, but the deep wound was still there.

Until now.

Finally letting my words out has reopened that wound. That surrendering has finally allowed Father God to get to that place and start healing it -- making it new. I can no longer live with choosing to ignore it, He's doing what He does and making me whole again.

Since the Holy Spirit was finally able to talk to me about it I finally understood why it still hurt. It hurt me that I had valued myself so little that I would just give myself away like that. It hurt that I thought I was worthless. And I realized the enemy has been using that against me for years. It's always been there, behind the scenes of my life, coloring my story. Deep down, I felt worthless.

So right now it's very raw, tender, and painful, but God has taken that part of my heart and is making Beautiful Things out of it. He is so good.