Sanctifying Self-Pity

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.

And I hate that. (Did I say, "I hate that?" I hate that.)

I have so much to be grateful for, I have NO excuse to wallow in self-pity.

But lately, I've realized something.

If I just let it be what it is and "sit" with it, instead of trying so hard to change it it's so much easier to deal with!

Now, I'm not talking about wallowing in it, but just sitting with it, experiencing it in the moment, instead of railing against it.

Because fighting it just seems to prolong it. Because fighting it makes me grumpy and not nice to people I love and that is so not fair to them. They don't know the battle that's going on in my head. When I kick and scream against it, it's so hard to shake it and it poisons everything.

I definitely believe in "taking every thought captive", but how do you do that? By kicking and screaming against it? Nope. The verse before that says that the weapons we use are not fleshly weapons, but spiritual. It is His divine power.

When I just acknowledge to my Father God: "I really feel like I suck right now. It feels like life sucks right now. I just can't shake this on my own. Help me! I cast this 'care' on You." He says, "It's okay. I know. I see you and I know where you are right now. Everything is going to be okay." 

Really. That's what He said -- not "How dare you be ungrateful for everything I've given you!!!"

I may not "feel" better at that moment, but I have peace. I know it will pass. It always does. I can be patient with myself and that keeps me from being mean and grumpy.

For me, this is a very tangible example of "love others as well as you love yourself." If I'm patient and loving with myself than I can be patient and loving with everyone else.

And if I'm really mindful and honest about it, my "self-pity mode" is usually hormonal--that's a reason, not an excuse. The feeling itself isn't ungodly or sinful, it's what I do with it that makes it unholy.

God is so good and gives so much grace! His mercies are new every morning. I think, knowing this, I might even be able to acknowledge -- outloud -- to another human being, that I'm feeling that way without being worried about what they will think. Acknowledging the pain instead of acting out of it. Hmm...brings to mind a post by Donald Miller I read today: "Vulnerability as a key to emotional health."

I just want to be real. Authentic. Relevant. And I can't do that if I pretend that everything is always wonderful all the time. That kind of mask is a counterfeit Christianity that inoculates people to the true Gospel message.

This song, Rise by Shawn McDonald happened to come on the radio the other day while I was pondering these things. It's one of my favorites. (The link is a "live" acoustic version, those are usually the best!)

Sometimes my heart is on the ground
And hope is nowhere to be found
Love is a figment I once knew
And yet I hold on to what I know is true

Yes I will rise

The Aspostle Paul was a Great Lover

I'm reading a One Year chronological bible this year, so here at the end of the year I'm reading all of Paul's epistles. I've read them many times in my life, but I something different really stood out to me for the first time -- Paul really, really, really loves people.
You can see it throughout every letter. Paul's joy at the faith of the Philippians, his grief at the misunderstanding and misinformation of the Thessalonians and the Galatians. His desire that those who had fallen be restored. His letters are full of longing for his readers to really, truly grasp the love of Christ.

In Philippians 1:7 he tells them, "I have you in my heart." And when he speaks of Epaphroditus in Philippians 2, he says that God had mercy on Epaphroditus, healing him from a near-fatal illness, which Paul considered a mercy to himself as well, "to spare me sorrow upon sorrow."

Paul truly loves these people. It feels like a great big, "duh" in my head. Obviously he loves these people, he's risking his life for them most of the time. He's in chains for them. Gladly. Maybe I'm usually so focused on the "theology" and the "how do I apply this to my life" that I've missed it somehow. But then I'm reminded of Paul's conflict, "If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.  Convinced of this, I know that I will remain...." (Philippians 1:22-25)

Maybe Paul's great love is in part, because like the woman who anointed Jesus for His burial, Paul had been forgiven so much. His brothers and sisters in Christ, whom he had formerly been hunting and murdering, had forgiven him and embraced him. They had welcomed him (with some understandable hesitancy at first) into the family, into the Body of Christ.

It's funny, I always think of that as "He who is forgiven much, loves much." But that's not what Jesus said. He said, "whoever has been forgiven little loves little."

I know I've been forgiven more than a little. Much more. Really we all have. Even if you have been a "Christian" your entire life, you have been forgiven so much. It's easy to lose sight of that. It's easy to become prideful in our spiritual growth and maturity and forget how much we've been forgiven. We're even forgiven for that -- for that ugly, stinking, disgusting pride in ourselves for being "good Christians." 

Not one of us should be loving little. We should love big. Really big.

(Okay, not like the TV show Big Love, which I've never seen, but suddenly came to mind...I'm not advocating bigamy. Gross.)


For God so loved the world. He sent His only Son. Let us so love. Let us love one another so that's how people know we're Jesus disciples. (The church-at-large seems to be falling so short on that one.)  Let's turn the tide. Like the Apostle Paul, I want be a lover, a great one. How about you?

Book Review: The Grace Effect by Larry Taunton

The Grace Effect is a more than just an adoption story. It is a glimpse into the world of the Ukraine and the results of a culture's elimination of God.



The story of Taunton's family adopting Sasha is sandwiched between the story of his debates with famous atheist, Christopher Hitchens (one of the self-proclaimed "Four Horsemen of the Counter-Apocalypse"). He uses these debates as a way to introduce "the grace effect" in the prologue and then shows us in the epilogue how through Sasha's life, even someone who doesn't believe in the grace effect is touched by it.

He says, "Common grace is that grace which may be enjoyed by believers as well as unbelievers, though the former understand its source." (p. 20) Taunton goes on to define the "grace effect" as "an observable phenomenon -- that life is demonstrably better where authentic Christianity flourishes." (p. 22) But rather than showing us a culture that is benefiting from the grace effect (what most of his readers live with and experience on a daily basis) he uses the completely broken, worldly culture of the Ukraine and specifically the adoption system to demonstrate a country bereft of God and the effects of His grace.

At times, the book seems to become more of a scholarly work and leaves behind the story element. But in the end, the author does a good job of giving the reader a snapshot of the Ukrainian adoption process and its corruption (and the chapter on a brief history of religion in Ukraine is well-written and engaging) and then getting right back into the adoption story.

I believe the author does fulfill his purpose as stated in the prologue: "to make a case for society's need of Christianity's gentling, inspiring, and culturally transforming power."

As you read you will find yourself infuriated at times and inspired at others -- infuriated at the corruption of the Ukrainian adoption process and how it seems to be about everything but the children and inspired at seeing God at work on Sasha and her adoptive family's behalf.

In the end, I can't say its one of my favorite books I've ever read, but I enjoyed it. I expected it to make me want to adopt a child from the Ukraine, it did not. But I guess that was not the author's purpose. So I can't quite put my finger on why I wouldn't "highly" recommend the book, but it's a good read, especially if you have an interest in adoption stories or in Christian apologetics.

 Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Keep Your Eyes Open

Last week as we headed west on a little road trip, we had the privilege of enjoying this amazing sunset (which was really way better than the picture suggests--the clouds were lit up). Scenes like that, beauty like that, just does something in my heart. It moves me.

So as I drove I pondered beauty. What makes something beautiful? Is it the contrast to what is ugly? Is it simply being "not-ugly" that makes it beautiful? Is it a certain combination of light and color or notes and instruments or eyes and nose?

I'm not sure there is ultimately a way to qualify or quantify beauty. Yes, we do it all the time. Science has determined what proportions make a face most attractive and critics can tell us why a particular piece of art or music is beautiful. We often compare and contrast things to explain what we see as beautiful, but is all that really what determines something (or someone's) beauty? What I see as beautiful may not appear to be beautiful to you.

Just like Truth, beauty moves our hearts. When we're living in the present moment and see something beautiful, it just moves us, no explanation necessary. There is no need for the contrast of ugliness to see that something is beautiful. In fact, there is beauty to be found in even the ugliest scene, thing, place, or person -- because somewhere, somehow, God is there. His beauty is always there to be found if we only have eyes to see.

When we see something beautiful we often want to capture it, thinking that we can hold on to that moment, to that particular sensation of beauty. But the memory, the picture is never quite the same. But the cool thing is, there's always more beauty to be found when we let one moment of beauty go and keep moving forward with open eyes and open hearts.

Beautiful Things

Finally making the decision to really, for real, write a blog has done something in me. Somehow, in making that decision, I gave my loving Heavenly Father access to a portion of my heart that He's been waiting to get to for a very long time.

I wouldn't say I purposely held back that part -- not from Him, anyway. But for far too long I've kept a small part of myself closely guarded.

From the time I quit thinking boys were "icky" until I decided I didn't care if I never got married (of course that's when God brought my husband. I can imagine Him saying to Jesus, "Hey, did you hear what Kelli just said? Watch this!") I pretty much always had a boyfriend, or at least a boy I was pursuing. My first kiss was around the age of 12, I think, and as the years went by what I was willing to give up to a boy became more and more until I eventually gave up the ultimate prize. More than once. More than twice. Not as many times, as some, maybe, but one time outside of marriage is one time too many.

Oftentimes, I was the aggressor. I remember one boyfriend in particular who was such a sweet, tenderhearted guy. He did not want to do that to me, but I pretty much forced the issue. Why? Why would I do that to him, to myself?

I certainly didn't understand why at the time, and I repented often, swearing, of course, to never do it again. And I think like many young people,  I believed that as long as actual intercourse wasn't involved it was okay. But it wasn't, and it's not. It's still giving something away, giving away pieces of yourself to someone who isn't fully committed to you for life. Losing little bits of yourself to someone who isn't ready to handle those pieces with the love and value they require.

Shortly after Bob and I were married, we were in a Sunday School class that was based on the book, The Blessing by John Trent and Gary Smalley. For the first time, I understood that a big part of the reason I had behaved the way I did was because of the lack of my father in my life. I love my dad and we have an awesome relationship now, but due to divorce and mental illness, he just wasn't in the day to day of my life growing up. I finally understood the reason I had such a craving for male affection. I was "looking for love in all the wrong places"!

At that point in my life, I *knew* that Father God had forgiven me, but understanding the why finally gave me the power to forgive myself. The guilt and shame still haunted me though. Over the years I just got better at choosing not to be affected by it, but the deep wound was still there.

Until now.

Finally letting my words out has reopened that wound. That surrendering has finally allowed Father God to get to that place and start healing it -- making it new. I can no longer live with choosing to ignore it, He's doing what He does and making me whole again.

Since the Holy Spirit was finally able to talk to me about it I finally understood why it still hurt. It hurt me that I had valued myself so little that I would just give myself away like that. It hurt that I thought I was worthless. And I realized the enemy has been using that against me for years. It's always been there, behind the scenes of my life, coloring my story. Deep down, I felt worthless.

So right now it's very raw, tender, and painful, but God has taken that part of my heart and is making Beautiful Things out of it. He is so good.

Thanksgiving and Gratitude

The last few days, I've been pondering the words, "thanksgiving" and "gratitude." (For obvious reasons.) Are they synonyms, or is there a difference between "giving thanks" and "being grateful"?

I'm a big fan of dictionary.com, so of course, I looked them up and confirmed that what I had been thinking was pretty much true. "Thanksgiving" is an action and "gratitude" is an attitude. That may sound like a very simple difference, but without one, you probably will not have the other, at least not authentically. They work together. Just as "faith without works is dead",  gratitude without the expression of thanksgiving becomes stagnant and cold. And thanksgiving expressed without a heart full of gratitude is just noise. It may not be apparent to anyone but you and your Father God, but your words will sound lifeless and hollow in your own ears.

When Sarah Ban Brethnach's book, Simple Abundance, became wildly popular "gratitude" became a big buzzword in our culture. It was the "in" thing to keep a gratitude journal. I think many people are still reaping the benefits of that today, but let's not take it for granted. Gratitude is a choice. We can choose to be grateful regardless of our circumstances, and out of that choice our thanksgiving will flow.

Jesus said, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." When our hearts are full of gratitude, our words will be full of thanksgiving.

And you know what the really cool thing is? Not only can we make the choice, but we have been empowered to make it. God gives us all the strength and all the grace we need to do it. It is simply a matter of turning. That's what repentance is, it's just a turning away from one thing toward another.

If I'm in a deep, dark place of self-pity and ingratitude (and oh yes, I've been there) it can seem like the most difficult, impossible thing in the world In fact, sometimes I just don't WANT TO! But my Father God is loving and patient and kind. His kindness brings me to repentance and the moment I decide to quit wallowing in my own filth, He is there. It's so simple, it seems to good to be true. But it is. It's true.

Trust is not a 4-Letter Word

So why do I so often act as if it is?

Proverbs 3: 5-6 says, "Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track." (The Message) Other translations say, "He will make your paths straight."

If I put my trust in my loving Heavenly Father, I can't go wrong. He will keep me on track. But what's even more amazing, is that even when I'm not trusting Him He is still at work bringing His will to pass in my life. My lack of trust in Him doesn't stop His work. He is the same same yesterday, today, and forever. There is no shadow of turning in Him. He just keeps moving forward. He continues to keep the universe in motion, including my tiny, little (but not insignificant) place in it.

Who am I to think that my distrust could disrupt God's work? I love chapter 38 through 41 of the Book of Job, when goes goes on a wild, wonderful, put-Job-in-his-place rant and says things like, "Where were you when I created the earth?" and "Do you have an arm like my arm? Can you shout in thunder the way I can?"

This song, "Starry Night" by Chris August has been running around in my head for the last couple of days. "Every starry night, that was His design..."

So much about this journey is about letting go. It's about letting go of my desire to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil and judge myself, my circumstances, my friends, my family, even my God. It's about letting go of expectations and have-tos and shoulds and embracing the abundant life Jesus' death provided for me by eating from the Tree of Life and trusting that God's got it. To borrow a phrase my daughter has been fond of lately, God has "ALL THE THINGS!"

He is Everything. I put all my trust in that. He has "all the things" -- all the things I need for life and godliness.

Selah.

Bring Life

My three kids are required to give me a hug before they leave the house. Every time. And 9 times out of 10, I give them a hug and a kiss, say "I love you" and then as they walk out the door they hear, "Have fun. Drive safe. Bring life." (I don't always say it all, I don't have a perfect record. Thank goodness.)

Up until a year or so ago, though, it was "Have fun. Drive safe. Be good." But one Sunday evening at our house church we were once again discussing the differences between the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil and the Tree of Life. God's desire is for us to eat the fruit of the Tree of Life. Even though He's the one who put that other tree in the garden anyway, knowing Adam & Eve wouldn't be able to resist. It was all simply part of His beautiful redemption story.

We are redeemed. I am redeemed. I am free to eat from the Tree of Life anytime I choose. So why do I sometimes still want to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil? (It's all about judgment.) It's that part of me that secretly thinks I could plan things better than Him. That if He'd just do things my way life would be so much EASIER! *sigh* But then I am reminded how grateful I am for an "uneasy" life. For the challenge of living by faith. My constant need (whatever it may be at the time, there's always something) always drives me to Him. And why would I want to live any other way?

After that Sunday night, for the next couple of days every time I said "Be good," to one of my kids it felt as if a knife were turning in my stomach. With the help of the Comforter of course, I finally realized what it was. I don't want my kids to "Be good!" I want them to "Bring life!" I want to constantly remind them to bring life in every situation they face. I want them to purpose to bring life to every person they meet.

When God made His covenant with the Israelites at Moab, Moses commanded them, "This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." (Deuteronomy 30:19 NIV) The Tree of the Knowledge of Good & Evil is death. Choose life. I choose life that my children and I may live, really live. I choose life so that we can live loving, passionate, purposeful lives — giving generously, hoping fervently, and praying ceaselessly.

So as my children walk out the door, and I call out to them "Bring life," they are reminded of what they were put on this planet to be.

And it's always fun for them to get to explain to whatever friend might be with them that I'm not encouraging them to go out and make babies or anything of the sort. :)

FREEEEEDOOOOMMMMM!!!

Okay. Well, just a few days into my 365 day commitment, I missed two days.

But I had a GREAT weekend!

I don't know exactly where Saturday morning went, but I spent most of it reading, which always makes me happy.

Saturday afternoon my husband, one of my boys, and I went to work. My husband has a painting business and I recently started working with him full time. Normally, we do not do outside paint jobs, but sometimes you gotta take what's there! (Rent, Tuition, Bills....being what they are.) Well, Saturday was a beautiful day to be outside and instead of writing my blog in my head while I worked, I listened to my Mat Kearney station on Pandora Radio. (And I discovered Matt Nathanson!)

So with my headphones on, I set to work doing something perfectly suited for my slightly OCD tendencies, I spent the afternoon caulking a million nail holes. The weather was perfect — it was a great day to be outside. As usual, we pushed the envelope and worked much later than we should have considering we had someplace to go Saturday night! Our daughter was performing in Playhouse Theater's 24 Hour Play Competition.

We finally rushed home and cleaned up as quickly as we could, and sheer craziness ensued on the car ride to pick up our friends who were joining us. We enjoy laughing together as a family and I think that is almost all we did Saturday night. We finally made it downtown and parked a little ways from the Performing Arts Center (to avoid paying $5 for parking ;)). After all, it was a warm fall evening perfect for a little walk. We had to cross the street several times, so I was making sure my little group used all the crosswalks! :)

We thoroughly enjoyed the performances and my daughter's team won 3rd place! After snapping a couple of pictures and gathering up props, we headed toward the door. What awaited us outside the door was quite different than what was there when we went in. Blasts of cold, icy wind practically blew us back into the building. (I realize now that doesn't really make sense. The wind really tried to blow us the wrong way down the street, not back into the building.) Needless to say, our walk back to the car was a little more rushed than our previous walk. But we  were almost safely back to the car and it happened — I lost control of my group and they, we (sadly, I did it too) JAYWALKED! Ack! Fortunately, we got lucky. No tickets were written and no one was hit by a passing driver hoping to earn a few easy points.

So as I pondered my failure to post a blog on Saturday and Sunday, I recalled our little walk and my desire to keep everyone in the crosswalks. Control. Perhaps my 365 day commitment was just another way to control myself. I had broken free of my fear of typing words onto the screen without over-editing and procrastinating and worrying about what people will think, but had I exchanged that bondage for another one?

Do we use our goals, or do our goals use us?

I honestly felt just fine about missing those two days. Which is huge for me. I didn't beat myself up, not even a little and believe me, I have black-and-blued myself many, many times. It was definitely my MO for too many years. But Jesus said, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:30 KJV) He never intended for us to flagellate ourselves, on the outside or the inside. "So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8:36 ESV) Freedom in Christ. Not free to do whatever we want without consequence, but truly free. Free to live within the "easy" bonds of love.

And I don't know about you, but I can rarely hear the words "free" or "freedom" without seeing that beautiful, awful, perfect moment when William Wallace roared "FREEEEDOOOOMMMM." Brings tears to my eyes every time.

So I missed two days. But here we are. I'm not letting that stop me.

Oh! And Sunday was a great day too! A little football, a little laundry, a lot of rest, and some good company. God is good. (Come on, say it for me....All the time.)

Contentment and Finally "Getting It"

It's so cool how God illuminates bits and pieces of different things to me and then -- BAM! -- one day it all just comes into focus and the sky splits open. I can see again. One aspect of my blindness is gone. Bit by bit my Father lets a little more light into that space in my heart, then suddenly, I can see it all.

This morning I was reading Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. The gist of it is that our struggles with food and weight are all related to our desire for something more, but we can't tolerate sitting with that desire so for various reasons we try to squelch it with food. I highlighted this quote by John Tarrant,

"All wanting -- for love, to be seen for who we are, for a new red car is wanting to find and be taken into this mysterious depth in things."*

Then just after his quote, Geenen writes, "By collapsing the whole of our wanting into something as tangible as butterscotch pudding, we cancel poetry, sacredness, longing from our lives and resign ourselves to living with hearts banged shut."

The way she said that made me realize that since I was a teenager, I thought that being "content" meant that I didn't want anything. That I had no "right" to want anything. So anytime I felt a "want" (and don't get me started on the difference between things we "want" and things we "need"...argh...), I struggled with it. I suppressed it. But the sad thing is, those wants never really go away. And anything we try and satisfy outside of faith, outside of trusting God, is sin. (See Romans 14:23.)

So what finally clicked for me today is that being content doesn't mean we don't want something more, something better, something bigger, something brighter. It means that we are okay with the wanting itself. It's okay to want something, and it's also okay to not get it. Just let the wanting be what it is.

I have this tendency to tell myself "love doesn't demand its own way," as an excuse for not saying, or not asking for, what I want. Hmm...I think there must be a big difference between expressing a desire and demanding that things be done your way. And the bizarre flip side to all this, is I would NEVER place that expectation on someone else. I would never tell a friend, my spouse, or my kids that it's not okay to want certain things. God gives us the desires of our hearts. He actually plants those desires in us to get us moving in the right direction. 

So why am I so hard on myself? Is it because secretly, deep down, I think that while I'm capable of living that kind of austere (read: self-righteous) existence, other people aren't? Ick. Isn't that just beyond arrogant? But you know what? I'm going to give myself a little grace (like I would anyone else!).

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." -- Ranier Maria Rilke

 

*(My best friend, Rae, is smiling right now, because she knows that if a quote has the word "mystery" in it, I'm sure to highlight it. I am all about embracing the mysterious side of God!)

It's All About Love...

As I pondered all day long, asking my Friend (the Paraklete), "What am I supposed to write about today?" He simply reminded me to just share what's on my heart and honestly, most of my thoughts today were about love.

Pure and simple. Love.

It's so amazing to me how God brings certain people in our lives and we feel an instant connection. Our hearts are forever knit together. I'll even go so far as to say we "fall in love" with them. Okay, so not like we fall in love with our spouses, or maybe not even exactly the same as the way we fall in love with our children. But pretty darn close to the latter.

My husband and I recently had the privilege of welcoming a new young man into our home and our lives and we just had that connection with him. And the funny thing is, it reminds me of the connection we had with another young man, many years ago when we were first married. Even though at the time, we were far too young to actually be his parents, we always considered him one of our kids. It feels as if we've come full circle.

For a few years, we had lost touch with him, but after years of my husband searching internet databases periodically to locate him, we finally found him again. And next month, to celebrate my husband's birthday, we're going to see him!

I just love how God does things.

And on another note, for what it's worth, two songs have been running around in my head all day: Mat Kearney's "Down" and Coldplay's "Fix You".

Enjoy the music. Thank our Loving Heavenly Father for those special people who just...fit. Those people who will always be in your heart regardless of time or distance.

Have you experienced this kind of "falling in love"? Am I crazy for looking at it that way?

Like Sands Through the Hourglass....

I have three adult children.

I have to pause and sigh deeply as I re-read that. The time has flown so quickly. I cannot believe they are grown. I began my parenting journey in 1988, with the birth of our oldest son. And in September of this year, 2011, our daughter, the youngest, turned 18. On her birthday, when it hit me that not one of my children would require my signature for anything anymore, I felt a weird sense of completion, accomplishment, and emptiness -- all at once.

Now. I realize that my parenting days aren't really over. Our two boys have both celebrated their Bar Barakah, so we view them as men, but that doesn't mean we no longer parent them, it's just that the dynamic of our relationship has changed. (It's like a Bar Mitzvah, but the Christian version means "Son of the Blessing," instead of "Son of the Law." I may write a blog post about the ceremony in the future.) Our daughter has not yet had her official ceremony ("Bat Barakah" for "Daughter of the Blessing"), but her transition from high school to college has already created quite a shift. Even though all three still live at home, we are a houseful of adults. It's different. It's fun!

I am so blessed by and so proud of our children. They are responsible adults who do their best to "love God and love people." And lest you think I believe I had much to do with that, let me say right now, I cannot imagine trying to rear children without the help of the Holy Spirit, my Savior, and our Loving Father God.

We made mistakes. Lots of them. In my opinion, probably more than lots of other parents. But thank God, He makes up the difference. To this day, I am continually grateful that God laid it on our hearts and provided the circumstances, the push, the resources, and the grace to homeschool our children. I wouldn't trade what I've gained through that experience for all the money, success, or fame in the world.

Our oldest son has a great job and the sweetest girlfriend, who we hope will become more than that someday. ;) And our younger son and our daughter are about to complete their first semester of school at Oral Roberts University. All three are some of my favorite people in the whole world, and some of my best friends.

I. Am. So. Blessed. God is so good. I am so grateful. (And looking forward to grandbabies eventually!)

Where are you in your parenting journey? It's so easy to feel like you're not doing enough sometimes. Remember that God will always make up the difference. Trust Him. He entrusted His children to you for a purpose.

Two Posts in One Day? Yep...Here We Go....

My post this morning, Throwing Caution to the Wind, did something in me. As soon as I hit "publish" and walked into kitchen, my Friend, my Comforter, my Encourager, the Holy Spirit said, "Okay. That's just the beginning."

"The beginning of what, exactly?"

He continued, "Starting today, you are going to write a blog post each day for a year, just like you did today. With that infernal, internal editor-girl turned off."

Okay, so as a person who reads something pretty much every single day about how to be a better writer (and yes, I know that the first rule is, "writers write" :)) this is a scary proposition. Every word has to count. Every word should be the "right" word. What if I'm misunderstood? What if I say something offensive without meaning to? What if I sound *gasp* irrelevant or arrogant or just plain stupid?

And again, my dear Friend reminds me, "It doesn't matter. It's not up to you. All you have to do is put your fingers on the keyboard and type out what's on your heart."

"And keep my hand over the editor's mouth, no matter how much she struggles to free herself?"

Very gently, He says, "Exactly."

So, here we go. Tomorrow is day 1 -- November 16, 2011.

I'm not waiting until January to start, I'm doing it now. Today.

(And in the interest of full disclosure, I do re-read and "edit" the post while I'm typing and right before I hit "publish." I'm just committing to doing it all in one sitting and leaving behind (at least for 365 days) that "process" that keeps me from publishing anything.)



So what could you start today, that you may be mentally putting of until January 1, 2012?

Throwing Caution to the Wind and Turning off the Editor...for today anyway...

Why is it so difficult? I so easily and readily take my own thoughts for granted that I end up doing nothing. Putting nothing out there. I'm like the "wicked, lazy servant" who thought the master was "a hard man"!Why? Why would I imagine for a second that my Loving Heavenly Father "reaps where he doesn't sow"?

(I love the way The Message says it, "It's criminal to live cautiously like that!" http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2025&version=MSG

Why would a loving Father give me this burning desire to put words on paper that will help those who read them know who He is (in a simple way) then leave me to twist in the wind? I am not responsible for the results, just the action, the decision, to put it out there.

Why does Resistance constantly get the best of me? (I need to re-read The War of Art !)

If all I ever accomplish is pleasing my Father God -- That. Is. Enough. That is all. That is everything.

So today, instead of my usual "process" of writing, putting it aside for a couple of days, editing and putting it aside for a couple of days, editing again, and then maybe hitting "publish," I've put my hand over the mouth of the editor who lives in my brain, and she is struggling and straining and trying to bite her way out, but for today, I'm holding her back.

What holds you back? What keeps you from investing your "talent"?

Relevant Questions and Answers and Great Words on Writing!

Review of: Max on Life: Answers and Insights to Your Most Important Questions by Max Lucado

            I'm naturally leery of any person who claims to have all the answers. And sometimes I steer clear of the “big Christian authors” simply because they're “big Christian authors” – I know, I'm repenting for being prejudiced and judgmental. But I also “pride” myself on being open-minded and open-hearted and hearing God's Truth from wherever and whomever it comes. That said I enjoyed this book more than I expected I would.

            As I read, where I expected pat “theologically sound” answers, the author pointed the questioner back to the Bible again and again, giving scriptural answers without dogma. He's not afraid to say things like: “our suffering can be a small assignment when compared with the reward.” (p. 39)

            The questions feel like real questions asked by real people, not questions the author or editors came up with because they were the ones they wanted to answer. Questions like, “Why pray if God is in control?” (p. 77) and “Why did God heal my friend from cancer but not me?” (p. 81) This book addresses some very personal questions, like: How to forgive someone who has abused you sexually (p. 50); How to deal with anger issues (p. 45); How to treat an employee as a Christian and correct bad behavior but still be loving (p. 52). The questions and answers are divided into seven topics: Hope, Hurt, Help, Him/Her, Home, Haves/Have-Nots, and Hereafter.

Believers at all stages of their walk will find relevant questions and answers. Lucado’s answers are full of godly wisdom and practical, biblically-based advice with examples and stories to make it all understandable and relatable. I love that he doesn't make excuses for God but admits that sometimes we just don't know why. God can see the big picture, we can't.

            Max on Life would be a beneficial addition to anyone's library – parents, pastors, small group leaders, and teachers – all seekers of Truth.

            But all that aside, I would highly recommend this book just for the gem of an afterthought, the Addendum, “The Write Stuff.” In just four-and-a-half pages, Lucado gives us some of the most encouraging, practical, challenging words on writing I've ever read.   He talks about the power of well-written words, “Words go where we never go.” But he also encourages us to hit the delete key when needed: “Make every word earn its place on the page. Not just once or twice, but many times. Sentences can be like just-caught fish – spunky today and stinky tomorrow.”

Max on Life could easily be retitled, Max on Life and Writing.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Book Review: The Sacred Journey by Charles Foster

First, I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed Foster's writing style. I am pleased to have discovered him and will read more of his books. Second, it is evident that he is passionate about and experienced with the subject matter of this book – Pilgrimage.

Foster says that we are built to wander. I'm not completely convinced that's true for all humans. However, I can definitely see the appeal and feel the urge for pilgrimage myself and I can agree that sometimes “settling” or “sitting still” is very detrimental to mankind. I just can't quite imagine what a world full of nomads would look like. And at times, it seems like that's what Foster is purporting, that the “ideal” way to live would be as a nomad. He says that God is a mover. “He can't keep still. And he has an alarmingly clear preference for people who can't keep still.” So of course, the scripture that immediately came to my mind was, “Be still and know that I am God,” from the 46^th psalm (which isn't the only place in scripture we are commanded to “be still.”) Then shortly after reading this, I came across this quote by Lao Tsu, “Stillness in stillness is not real stillness. Stillness in activity – that is real stillness.” Selah.

I think, and Foster alludes to the possibility, that we can live our lives with an attitude of wandering, especially when an actual, physical pilgrimage just isn't possible for a variety of reasons. After all, we are called to be in the world, but not of it. We are travelers here. (Anyone else remember the old Petra song, “Not of This World”?) We can experience the benefits – the adventure, the hardship, the suffering, the joy, the camaraderie – of pilgrimage without ever leaving home.

If an actual pilgrimage is possible – go for it! But if not, don't feel limited or lesser than in your faith. God is in control. He holds your life in His hands. If He feels you need to “hit the road,” then He will make a way. Not necessarily an “easy” way, but a way nonetheless.

Foster has lived it. He has taken the journeys and it's very apparent from his writing. I have to admit, reading this book temporarily created some discontent in me. I longed for the opportunity to experience pilgrimage the way he describes. It's just not in the cards for me at this point in my life. And that's okay. I gleaned some of the benefits of a pilgrimage just from reading the book. I especially enjoyed the chapter on “Thin Places.” He says, “The early Christian Celts spoke about 'thin places' – places where worlds (I would prefer to say dimensions') were particular close to each other. Places where, if you were quiet enough, you could hear the murmurings of God.” And he goes on to talk about some specific places like Jerusalem, a chamber in France, Santiago, etc. I've never been to any of those places, but I have been to “thin places.” Maybe those “thin places” are different for each of us. Being outside in nature is almost always a thin place for me, and especially in Telluride, Colorado where I visit my brother and his family. (Yes, you could also say that it's a “thin place” because it's over 8,000 ft. in elevation!)

In Chapter 2, he talks about some of the “junk” that the Church needs to throw out. He quotes Phyllis Tickle (who happens to be the editor for this series and wrote the forward) who, “...noted that every few centuries the church needs to hold a rummage sale to clear out the accumulated rubbish...” One of the things he says we should “chuck out” is the name “Christian.” He says, “'Christian' has to go. We've wrecked the word.” I couldn't agree more.

If you're just curious about pilgrimage, or believe, as some do, that it's just not a necessary part of the Christian life in our day The Sacred Journey is a great read. If you are hungry for something different, something real, something gritty you will love this book. It's not just a philosophical or theological discussion of pilgrimage, (although Foster is well-qualified to write something dry and boring, fortunately, that's just not his style) it also contains practical advice and cautionary anecdotes from stories of pilgrimages, both Foster's and others.

I think the final sentence of the book sums it up perfectly. He says, “Jesus said some other things, too, but as a summary of the four Gospels, 'Let's go for a walk together' is not bad.”

I enthusiastically agree.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Book Review: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers

The moment I finished reading this book, I was composing a review in my head -- 200, 300, 400 words...so much to say!

By the time I made it to the keyboard to type this, my review was boiled down to two words:

It. Is.

Now...off to find a copy of You Shall Know Our Velocity! or How We Are Hungry: Stories or The Wild Things or Zeitoun....whatever I can get my hands on!

Book Review: The Gospel According to Jesus by Chris Seay

Chapter One begins with one of my favorite quotes by Gandhi,

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

I often say I'm not ashamed of Christ, but I am sometimes hesitant to label myself as "Christian" because people can have such a negative reaction to that word. The Gospel According to Jesus does a great job of pointing out why that is the case -- Why so many Christians misunderstand and misapply the Gospel.

In the book of Romans, Paul writes:

"I myself am convinced, my brothers and sisters, that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with knowledge and competent to instruct one another. ¹⁵ Yet I have written you quite boldly on some points to remind you of them again, because of the grace God gave me ¹⁶ to be a minister of Christ Jesus to the Gentiles. He gave me the priestly duty of proclaiming the gospel of God, so that the Gentiles might become an offering acceptable to God, sanctified by the Holy Spirit." -- Romans 15:14-16 NIV

Throughout Paul's epistles, he reminds the churches over and over again of the most important points of the Gospel. I loved Chris' explanations of righteousness and sin and what it really means that we're created in the image of God so much that I'm going through the book a chapter at a time with the youth group of my house church. These are basic foundational truths of our faith that shape everything we do and say in the world.

I have to admit, I thought that reading a book that "takes a in-depth look at" a research study would be a bit boring. I was wrong. I found it a thought-provoking, deep, but easy-to-read primer on the most essential aspects of our salvation and redemption, such as righteousness, sin, and shalom.

At the end of each chapter, Chris includes a sample of dinner table discussion with his friends. Those conversations alone are worth the price of the book. And I love how that demonstrates our need for relationship. You can't live the Christian life in a solitary bubble. We were created to live in relationship with others. It's through those relationships that we get a clearer and clearer picture of who God is.

I highly recommend this book.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Thoughts on Snowpocalypse 2011

I started to just post this as a facebook status and realized it may just be too long a thought for that.

I love the snow. It's beautiful. It's refreshing. It makes the starkness of winter soft again. It reminds me of Isaiah 1:18, "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow." It's a beautiful reminder of our redemption.

That said, I know this unusual winter storm has shut down most of Oklahoma and is causing difficulties for a lot of people. For some people, not leaving home means no work and no work means no money. Believe me, I know. My husband is a self-employed faux painter...nobody wants to have their kitchen redone while they're stuck at home! :) BUT...maybe while they're stuck at home they're noticing some things they'll want to change!

I'm sitting here watching the snow fall again and it just makes me grateful. It's so beautiful. And here's what I know, God is faithful. When we put our trust in Him, His grace is sufficient for whatever we're struggling with in this season. All it takes is a shift in perspective. In 1 Corinthians 10:13, Paul tells us that,

"No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it" (The Message)

So whatever you may be faced with during this "Snowpocalypse," remember God is faithful, He will give you the grace to deal with whatever it may be -- financial difficulties, illness, loss, "too much" family time, and even cabin fever! Your loving Father God will show you a way of escape (even if you can't leave the house)! 

So enjoy the snow. Watching it fall is quieting and meditative. 

And a P.S. to those who live in the mountains or in the north and deal with this kind of snow all winter and are making fun of us: You deal with this kind of snow all winter! We rarely have to deal with this much snow here, so yes, it IS a big deal to us!!!:)